Things We’d Tell Our Younger Selves Part 2

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 change is so much better than a less than desirable constant and being okay with that is a huge part of life.

All right. Welcome back. This is part two of our series. We still have Nick in the hot seat with us. We are basically talking to our younger selves and, uh, you know, trying to give a little wisdom on, uh, what we might tell those younger queers.

 A point that came to me when I was thinking about this was the idea of not forcing things. I feel like that has been a lesson I’ve had to learn over and over again in different aspects of my life is this idea of trying to control an outcome or

just

putting too much pressure on things or on a particular outcome. And I don’t know if this is something that speaks to either of you as well. Yes, I see.

I see. Very

It’s what I’ve learned in the past. Two plus years, recently and it was in if you listened last episode It’s in the episode or it’s in the advice that I was giving to my partner last night Is that we can put too much stock into what other people?

think of us and we really try to control things and it’s It doesn’t benefit us. Everything’s gonna go the way it’s meant to And we just kind of have to be able to take a step back [00:02:00] from situations clock it You Be aware and just move on and be like, okay, but that doesn’t change How I feel about myself or how much I love myself or what I still feel I can get out of this life and another Quote that just came to my mind I was like If you were you walked through a clearing of all these trees that had been cut down and you made you really sad You wouldn’t just keep thinking about the missing trees or get angry at that You would walk around and just start planting new seeds and like we are You If, when things leave or change or go away from our lives, we always have the option to plant new seeds and grow them and, and build it how we want it to be.

Again, there’s plenty of people in this world and there’s just so much beauty that we haven’t even found yet. And there’s always times and checks and balances I have with myself. I’m like, if that didn’t happen, I would be, I wouldn’t be where I am today. And I love where I am today.

So, like, we, we constantly. Um, we have to just keep remaining positive and optimistic, and try not to be too controlling, because it will actually prevent us from getting a lot of good in this

world

And and people can feel that that energy of like holding on or wanting to force something, right?

So if anything, that is like a very, that’s a deterrent, like you said, to getting the things you want. There’s also a phrase that came to mind just when you were saying that, and I don’t know where I’ve heard this one, this idea that rejection is just an opportunity for redirection. Is that an idea that it’s like, you know what I mean?

So it’s just about turning your attention elsewhere to where things, the fields are open or where there’s a new opportunity. And I mean, some of. So much good has come from difficult things in life, right? Like it was after, it was after a breakup that I realized I was a people pleaser. And then I started to write and here I am years later having like, and writing even more now, like that’s, it’s just like a complete beautiful turn that in the [00:04:00] moment felt the

Yeah,

it’s really hard to when you’re in those moments of high stress, high, you know, it

that you

and everything could be going wrong.

And it is in those moments that you get to show up for yourself. And it’s, and there are opportunities, but it is so hard to see. Um, I mean, you look at, you know, I mean, if you look to nature, and we’ll keep your tree reference, but, you know, after the forest fires, that’s when some, the most rich soil and life comes back.

There’s mushrooms and new plant life, and that is a part of, of nature’s regenerative cycle, is this like, destruction and rebirth and all of that. And the same, the same goes for us. It’s like,

I mean, they do the planned burn at High

Yeah, exactly.

part of that, because they know it’s like good comes from this. And I guess on the flip side of that is if we’re not forcing things, then we’re accepting things, right? Which is so hard. And I see, I see it in my daughter, sometimes just the idea that like, having a hard time with. I don’t know, I guess any time when we struggle with anxiety, it’s usually future focused, right? It’s like, well, what’s going to happen then or what if this happens? And there’s a kind of acceptance and presentness that’s required to, to counteract that.

Yeah. Cause so anxiety is when , you fear for the future. Depression is the present or, or, or, or you’re stuck in the past. And

yeah, it’s so hard to be, I even, I don’t know if this is a weird example, but with work sometimes you can get anxious about stuff and replying to emails and like, we kind of get on this big loop.

And then often, you know, do your job and everything, but, you know, sometimes if you just let things sit for a

things sit

they resolve themselves. And it’s, it’s taking that pause, you know, you’re removing that one domino and it’s like, you have more time. It is okay. Breathe. Get your nervous system. Right. Um, [00:06:00] yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, , absolutely. Uh, some other points I had, what else did I have? Oh, this one. Your parents are human too.

first

saw my

the first time I saw my mom cried and I was like, what? You’re a human? Like, it was very Yeah, yeah, I was, I was quite little I remember, and I was just like, how does, how did that even happen, you know?

Um,

I didn’t know you had tear

yeah, I was like, I thought, I thought you were super human, Because, and I guess this happens more, like it’s hard to believe that our parents are just people who are trying to adult, right? And you don’t realize that until you are an adult, or until you see, like maybe, uh, some teenagers or kids will learn that from a younger age if they see their parents actively struggling.

if

they talk about it

Or if they talk

I think um, you’ve you’ve told me some some cool examples of you kind of letting your your kid in on You you know, what’s going on with you and like, Hey, I, you know,

am stressed or whatever else it might be.

Um, do you, do you think your kid knows that you’re, you’re, yeah. Yeah, attuned to that

she’s

do you think your

aunt knows that yet? In

Yeah.

way. Yeah. Exposing that this is, this is human life. Yeah. And it is okay to be like this.

life, and it is okay to

Oh, I

like this.

I guess

we expect, I mean, we probably grow up expecting too much. We grow up expecting perfection, even though we don’t realize it because we can look back and be like, well, I, this would have been better or more of this or whatever, but everyone’s always just doing their best, even if it’s not great. And, uh, [00:08:00] and once you’re an adult and if you’re a parent too, I feel like I said, it’s even

more easy or it’s even easier to.

kind of empathize with that position to be like, Oh, you were dealing with a lot and you were, that was your capacity and that was your best and, and kind of accepting that. place rather than expecting more. You know?

Oh, I think as a kid, I never thought my parents got tired or had other things that were important other than me. And, you know, kudos to them for, for making me think that delusion.

But

uh,

think that delusion. smaller apartment apartment at my grandpa’s house that he usually rented out to tenants and we we went in there in a pinch and an emergency in that and I still always the child the Christmas.

I remember the strongest is that one and I told for the most positive reasons. We had our Ninja Turtle pajamas and our Walkman. There’s pictures of us. We I just I don’t know. I loved it so much. And my mom said like, Nick, I had no money and I was struggling so hard and in all these lawyer time and it made her emotional to hear that.

That is the Christmas I think is the best one because it was the one she was the most scared of giving us in those times. So I think me just having that genuine thought really helped her be like, Oh yeah, you were an awesome mom. You knocked it out of the

That’s

amazing because she was probably feeling really bad that year to be like, I wish I could have given more. Or maybe she wasn’t feeling as present as she wanted to, or she was worried about, um, the kind of, the quality of the Christmas you’d have. So, I mean, that’s

quality of the Christmas you’d have, so I mean, that’s amazing.

That’s, oh, that’s so beautiful. And [00:10:00] think it

That’s, oh, that’s so beautiful. And I think it gives us all permission to realize and remember that in those moments we can find things we never would have expected and that this pursuit of perfection,

It’s a fool’s errand. We don’t need that. It’s like it really comes back to the people and our connections to each other and love and family and whether that’s the family you create and or the family you have and all of those things it’s like Permission, you know, if anyone can take anything away It’s just like permission to embrace the mess and find the beauty in the unexpected and things that might seem, you know The hardest.

unexpected and things that seem, you know, the hardest. We can have more patience with each other and that would be something I would tell my younger self as well as be more patient and understanding of other people because like you even said you’re like I thought my parents were just there to always be like what’s next for Laura and make my life better Like it’s

it’s, it’s,

we’re very self

that? Yeah.

we’re very self centered as kids and that’s because we don’t know much about how to fit into the around other people in society, and we’re just focusing on playing with ourselves and like being solo Ty,

playing games with ourselves.

I

We’re going to get our chili pepper rating.

it’s,

it’s

good to be patient with people because everyone’s going through something and that’s something I would, I wish I would have known earlier.

I

I mean, sort of on that note is if we’re not looking back with kinder eyes, sometimes we’re looking back a little bit bitter about some things too. And I’ve learned from. My wonderful counselor, Angela, who you know through Reiki, that, um, that bitterness only hurts you,

right? It’s [00:12:00] something, you’re, you’re the only one holding on to it.

You’re the only one who’s embodying it, who’s being soured by it, and I mean, the other person, whoever you’re holding that against, they might not even know. So they are completely unaffected by it. It is just something that is dragging you down.

is dragging you down. The stories we tell ourselves. Uh, I think, uh, something I’ve come to appreciate about my ADHD, um, is, honestly, my memory, not too bad. Not super great. I love having Nick in my life because he’ll tell me stories about university that I’ve long forgotten, but where I think that is actually really beneficial is it’s hard for me to hold a grudge or like, you know, I don’t, I don’t, I just don’t stay in those feelings.

And I think for people who maybe have better memories, it’s like, just maybe just rewrite that in your brain. Brains are so cool. You can, you can make your own delusional world. I think I would just

I would just call that optimism. Like, I would just call that like, you’re optimistic about what your life can be even in the face of hardships. Or what you mean to yourself and to

to other people.

Sometimes to

fair, yeah. But like, you’re optimistic with what other people, even if they wrong you. It doesn’t mean they think you’re a horrible person and that you deserve pain.

It’s just that they couldn’t show up in the way you wanted to, and it’s like, Okay, I’m gonna, I can move on from

And maybe there wasn’t even a negative attention there, but it just, that’s the way you were telling it to yourself. That’s the story you were embodying about whatever happened. So

that kind of

grace

you know, allowance of grace to multiple, to people.

of

I have a listener question that’s kind of in this theme do you wanna do you want to hear it? Yeah. All right. One sec okay. So I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for the past three years, and I recently found out that they cheated on me. I’ve taken them back, but I’m struggling to let it go. Any advice. [00:14:00] They haven’t given much info, but I don’t know if we want her. they’re sitting

Whether this is someone you know or not, who knows, but if they can write it into, we’ll call it strangers on a podcast it, they have not let this go and they need to trust that, like we were talking about that gut feeling, that central nervous system telling them that this is not okay with them and I think they’re making an exception and a pass for someone else because, you know, They don’t want to believe that this person could be that way, or that they could ever do it again, or they’re scared to be apart from this person.

And it’s just like I said, my, this is what I grew up with at a very, very young age of knowing that that’s what my dad did to my mom. She took him back and he kept doing it. And I’ve gone through that personally, like not with the keep doing it, but just the, that, If they cheated on you, I think that’s because there’s a certain level of lack of respect for your well being in the first place.

They, they can feel bad about it. They can feel that they really wish they didn’t do it, but I just don’t think that they would have let themselves get there if they truly were thinking about you in the most positive way. They would have never gotten to that point because true love wouldn’t have allowed that to happen.

It would have been a conversation first saying, I need this for me or I’d like to end the relationship because this is what I plan on doing or I would like to do. And I, my advice would be don’t let it go

part ways and explain why And love them from afar.

if they’re struggling to do that, I guess, right away, then if they can at least kind of force themselves to give it time to because If they’re anxiously attached, for example, they will just want to reconcile. And they’ll just be like, no, I just want to make this better.

And [00:16:00] they said, I’m sorry. And okay, it’s better now. But like you said, if it’s still in their, still in their body and still in their bones and they know it’s not right, but if they can force themselves to be like, okay, I’m gonna, we’re, we’re going to be apart for six

Yeah,

right?

And I’m going to sit with it and see how I actually feel about this person.

See if I’m just Wanting to reconcile quickly because my nervous system wants to, um, and get in touch with like, well, why would I take them back if they did disrespect me and they didn’t consider me? Is there something in me that I don’t feel worthy of something better? And this is why I would want to reconcile, you know, like

know, like Invest like,

investigate.

Yeah. And give it did that needs time and space though, because if they just get back right away, then they won’t have that time and space to do

Yeah, because I think, I think cheating is an interesting one. I think as a society we put a lot of hard lines on it, but I think, I’m going to put my optimism hat on,

think there

I think there can be a lot of different reasons that people, you know, quote unquote, cheat.

Cheat and without knowing the individual circumstances and things like that. I don’t know I just I think there can be a way back But I think it has to be rooted in a lot of work and understanding and unpacking and yeah Maybe time away maybe therapy all of those things like yeah Cuz life is messy

messy. Yeah.

On

Instagram, I follow a person who gives advice and relationship and dating advice from as someone who was open about the fact that he cheated on his wife, they worked it out and now he’s just being endlessly better and helping people understand Narcissistic behaviors and selfish behaviors and etc.

And like he’s a recovering cheater and I don’t doubt his stance in it for a second I also just think that there is a inherent Unwillingness for proper communication when [00:18:00] cheating gets on the table. I I didn’t get that upset about the actual physical sexual act of cheating. That doesn’t other me too much.

I would consider myself to some degree poly and like, or at least not purely monogamous in some, in ways. So it’s not so much the act, it’s more, yeah, monogamish. So it’s more so in the act of,

Betrayal.

no, like just doing something so purely selfish without, and probably have given it thought and still going through with it.

It’s the lack of communication and respect. It’s, it’s not, it’s, it’s more so what it means, not the actual act that I think it’s like, oh, it’s, it’s usually going to be a fundamental difference in how you operate on this earth that you, and, and it, it can help you realize that like, wow, I really thought I had more, um, of a important place in someone’s life.

And when they do that, it kind of

Yeah.

You see it

perspective, I guess. You

see it as like the tip of the iceberg. You know, the, you know, we could, we focus on the cheating in this act, but it’s like, it’s what’s under the surface for

it’s more so what it means. Yeah. For other aspects of the communication and the respect levels.

Yeah.

there that

And the only reason I’m so staunch with my immediate leave them no answer is because of the way they phrased the question and that they wrote into a podcast about it. So I think for this specific person, I think you’re, you need to trust your gut of why you even asked this question to a stranger who’s asking it

like, yeah, well I think too. Yeah, it’s almost ask asking permission.

Yeah, like be, be okay with it. And I really liked what you said of walk the walk and live the distance, even if you call it a break, because I think you’re scared of what being alone [00:20:00] could feel like, or, or providing

a,

consequence. that this person now has to live through that you are handing out to them to be like, this is what I will not accept and this is what you will get in this instance.

It doesn’t mean in six months we can’t revisit, especially if they’ve done the work in that six months. But I think if you were to say, let’s take a six month break, you come back in six months, I bet they’ve already maybe moved on because it was what they maybe wanted in the first place. So you have to live it and let it play out physically.

Those

breaks too can be such such clarifying things when you are in something and I think this applies to all aspects of our of our life or Situations that may come up at work or home or any of it and it’s once you have that distance The clarity comes and it’s so giving yourself permission to set those boundaries take distance and do that are I think invaluable

Again, the answer might be very obvious. It might be literally in their body. They wake up the next day and they’re like, I’m not anxious. Or like two days in there. Like some, like they,

they Their shoulders

yeah. Like they started to feel better physically. That is a sign too. Right.

pat themselves on the back. Like I did that for me and that was scary and that’s okay. And just to the listener, I can tell you this from firsthand. It’s what I wish I would have done. So it,

Bringin it home, Nick. What? Bringin it home. Yeah. Just

Lauren, how you said, like when you get that clarity afterwards and you can, you can’t really tell until that would have been something I wish I would have done in the moment to then be like, Oh, Oh, this actually feels better, and this is, and like, just knowing now that I have that distance away, knowing like, knowing that that’s what I should have done, and it might have even been better or more helpful.

I think it would have also made me respect myself more, but also I would have been more respected by the other

The other person. And actually that goes right into another point I had written down, which was say no more often and don’t feel bad about

it. Love that.

yes. And this

And this speaks to people pleasing stuff we talked about before, right?

But like I, there have been so many times I can [00:22:00] look at in my past when I haven’t said no, or I have, and I’ve, I wish I had, or I’ve resented the fact that I didn’t. You Or, I did say no and felt incredibly guilty about it and bore that burden for no reason. But, It feels, it just actually feels really good to say no.

Like so good

to learn. It’s a skill. I think that you have to learn.

do, you do. And you have to practice it and you have to start small. It’s not going to be like the biggest no first, but it’s those little no’s where you’re listening to yourself, where you’re genuinely in touch with like, could I say yes to this and not resent it? Or do I have the capacity for this?

If the answer is no, say

Mm hmm.

The, this is, we’re tying in our people pleasing, our boundaries, all of it, and I think it’s a good reminder. You can say no, and I think people will appreciate those no’s. I love, like, with, with both of you, actually. Um, if you’re, don’t have the capacity for a plan, or something doesn’t quite work, You tell me.

And I’m like, this is great. It also actually makes me reach out and ask more because I know I’m going to get a true, honest answer. And that feels fantastic in it. Yeah.

Yeah, if you can, because it’s, you can trust a

no, but sometimes you

can’t trust a yes.

That is, that is

yes and you’re like, are you sure? Like, cause you can’t, you don’t believe it because they’re like, yeah, and you’re like, I don’t, that doesn’t, that’s not a hundred percent like that.

I don’t feel that. Yes.

I think it makes you feel safer with the person when you give them a no, you really get to learn a lot about them. And whether it’s a relationship worth pursuing as well, because you get to learn how they are in the face of a no, and if they take it personally, or they get unreasonable about it, or they’re like, okay, great, well then when does work for you, like they can be very accommodating and and lovely, like, I don’t know, Laura, I, I’m not afraid to say no to Lauren at all because, because Lauren knows my yeses mean yes.

Somebody knows me. Nos I hate maybes. And I learned from maybe 15 years ago, [00:24:00] probably now, I’ve been saying a maybe’s a no. I, I don’t, yeah. At least mentally. Well, I don’t call you and say that’s a no and like it. confrontational. But in my mind, I’m like, if I’m told a maybe, I’m proceeding onwards that maybes are nos.

I’ve been caught off guard where maybes was a yes, and it was more so I needed more time to get back to you. And I could be a bit more optimistic about it. But by and large, a maybe is a no. And that’s something

And, uh, yeah, no is a

no. And when your

When your voice goes high and I’m like, oh, what did I just

do?

did

I

Yeah, no, uh, yes, no.

And one, I don’t know, maybe this is the last point I have down here, , is similar to what the kind of the no on the no angle, but you can always change your mind and you can always change direction, right?

In life, , in like any realm of life, whether it’s relationships or work or where you’re going to live, there’s. Always opportunity to change direction. And sometimes the only way you’ll know that that’s wrong for you is if you try it first, right? Because sometimes we put so much pressure on a decision and it being the right decision, but you can’t really know until time plays out sometimes whether or not that was the right decision.

So

We don’t need to put so much weight on that answer and that decision. You can know that you can switch it up if you need to, if something doesn’t feel right for you.

I remember when, I lived in Los Angeles for seven, eight years, and I remember when I was trying to decide if I would leave, and things had wrapped up in a relationship, in a business I had there, and the thing I kept telling myself is, Oh, I can come back.

LA will be here. Um, I need to go see if being back in Toronto with family and all of that is right for me. And this will always be here. It’s

okay.

and all of that is right for me, and so we’ll just be

don’t even [00:26:00] know when I moved back. And Nick’s like, June.

I don’t even know when I move back. It’s like June. I didn’t see it coming and I’m very happy. So, but Hey, you, you have my support. If you want to go away again, I support

I’m really digging the community family vibes here right now.

We’re, we’re great. Nailed it. Send us a, send, take us, land this plane,

I just think back to your point before this, as well as the one thing I would say is embrace change. It’s, it’s like you said, you can always set a new course. You can set a new path. I am very resistant to change. And that is why I allowed that. My thing in my past relationship to continue because I was so scared of what taking that break or taking that distance or changing would look like for me because it would became so comfortable or so

Predictable I guess and change is so much better than a less than desirable constant and being okay with that is a huge part of life.

And it’s, it’s, it comes back to that not needing to control everything as well, because as soon as something Switches, it is going to derail you, and you just have to be okay with, you’re going to die, nothing’s going to stay the same, and I think it’s like Buddhist, um, tenets or something like that, like, you will die, everyone you know will die, nothing will stayand nothing stays the same forever,

Yeah. Like change is the only constant

it’s, , it has helped me to learn those things because it was something I was resisting for sure.

And we have to anticipate that in that change period, it’s going to feel unsettled.

It’s going to feel shaky. It’s going to feel different, but it will settle in. That’s literally how our brains work. Even anything new becomes

work. Even anything new becomes normal. We

In, one quick story. At the, at the, I was at a memorial last night and, and [00:28:00] working that event, and this person was speaking on behalf of the, the deceased and how he had come out to his, his mom and was scared to do it.

And his mom just said, you know what, son, even, even if you don’t want to do it. Even the seasons change all the time, and this is, oh, this change is okay, too, and how that stuck with her, and being someone who no, knew no one in this room, that is now, like, stuck with me, of just, like, change is so okay, and it should be celebrated, and the fact that that was a mother’s response to some, someone coming out as queer, was a really nice thing to hear.

So, change is amazing, and we need to be less controlling.

And we are in a huge time of change and I can’t wait to see what comes out of it.

Mm hmm. Agreed. Yeah. for joining us

joining us if you haven’t already, please rate us and write a little review for us, that would be absolutely amazing.

Thanks

for having me again. I really appreciate it being

Nick.

 This has been another episode of Dear Queer. Just a reminder, we are not actually experts. Any advice given should actually come from our experts who we will bring in from time to time.

Music brought to you by Sean Patrick Brennan, produced by myself, Lauren Hogarth, and your host as always, Alena Papayanis I’m cutting that.