Self Care with Robin Lacambra

[00:00:00]

I

feel like a thing that folks can get tripped up on around self

care is that, I mean, wellness has become another industrial complex. So we’re,

we’re told, we’re sold that in order to feel better about your life, you have

to take a ayahuasca journey in Peru

 Okay, cool. Well, welcome to Dear Queer. Today on the episode,

we are super excited to welcome guest Robin. Like, okay, wait, you’re gonna have to say your name so I don’t mess it up.

Yeah,

thank you, Lacombra.

all

short LaCombra,

love it. Beautiful. Okay. Well, welcome to Dear Queer Robin Lacombra.

She, they, as a queer Filipina ex creative speaker and facilitator, drawing from somatic relational psychotherapy, mindful movement, and conflict meditation.

, Robin’s work aims to demonstrate how interconnected we are, highlighting our shared responsibility to co create a just and liberated world. world alongside their role as the creator of Good Body Feel Movement and Therapy, the director of the Safer Spaces Project, and a counselor at SASHA,

which is the sexual assault center of [00:02:00] Hamilton

robin works with individuals, groups, and organizations to foster self awareness.

self awareness, resilience, and healthier relationships, and is just an all around cool person who we are super excited to chat with and get into some self care stuff. Welcome to the pod, Robin.

Thank you so much for having

It is so great to have you. I’m sorry I stumbled through that. Is there any other pieces, um, outside of work or just in your life that you would like to add so that our listeners can get to know you a little bit?

Uh, I

am a weirdo. I’m such a goof. I often have my

to like,

uh, show her that it’s all gonna be okay.

Um, so, you know, when I’m hearing back some of the things of my bi, I’m like, wow, I sound so sick. Serious, but it, it ain’t that

deep. It ain’t that serious. a, like my child at heart is very much on my

skin. Um, and that’s how I like to lead. I

like

joy.

There’s the fun part, but there’s also the

vulnerable

part, right? Like, there’s also that,

like,

um,

that softness too.

And that’s also what, like, I think

has drawn me, uh, to you and the things

that you’re, uh, the, the content you’re

producing and the

messages you’re, um, you’re putting out there because you’re not, you don’t shy away from being outwardly

vulnerable and kind of exposing yourself in this way that is like, that brings people in.

Ooh. Thanks so much for that reflection.

Yeah. I am a big softie. I like

will often tell my fam like I’m going

into soft boy mode. is a sad [00:04:00] boy moment,

so, like, be

tender

with me or leave me alone.

Yeah.

do

Um, but I appreciate that and I remember really intentionally that into the way that I show up in the world, because it’s so for folks read me as, um, like, as unfuckable with, which I am also on a level, but also I, I, I take, I really feel everything.

Uh, and I think as an eldest daughter of an immigrant single mother, um, I was forced to mask and armor quite young. Uh, and my mom will often reflect back to me, how, when I was a teenager, I, Say things like, you took away my childhood. I wasn’t allowed to be a kid. I had to be the second mom of the house. Um, and so now that I’m an adult, uh, I’m allowing myself to feel the feelings that I was maybe not safe enough to feel out loud or encouraged to feel out loud when I was younger.

 I think it’s humanizing. I

for those of are

and our and our vulnerability,

because being a leader or, being a self care advocate or

whatever is mean we’re

down. And I, yeah, I really want to

come

from a place where Can I power

It’s, it’s like that moment when we figure out

our parents are [00:06:00] also human and flawed, and like, in all the same ways that we are, and that like, whole trickle down.

Is part of your, uh, Like being so open and, and like you were saying, you’ll warn people, be like this, I’m in soft by mode.

Like, is that, I mean, what you said was that basically growing up, you almost weren’t allowed to do that. Right. And now you’re being very upfront about that. Is that part of self care for you as well as being so open about where you’re at?

Absolutely, yeah, thank you for framing it that way. I don’t think I’ve, um, intentionally made that Um, And it reminds me of, I’m getting that scene of the first Inside Out, uh, movie where, um, they recognize that sadness actually,

Invited connection, um, from like when she was sad that she lost or like when sadness happened, it invited connection from other people.

It invited care from the environment. It signaled to the outward environment. I’m in need of care. Um, and so by being vulnerable out loud and feeling my feelings that I wasn’t able to feel out loud when I was a kid. Um, it was a, it is a way for signal that I need care from you. Um, and, and whether or not I get direct care from, like, if I make a, a sad example.

Sometimes it’s not about receiving care from the folks follow me, but also, um, a meeting of a, Oh, me Like I’m in that too. And that feels so connecting I’m not, Um, and to know that by me giving voice to something, I might be inviting [00:08:00] someone else to also give voice to that thing that maybe they didn’t feel they were allowed to say out loud.

Um, and that’s really cool. Like, I’m remembering, uh, not too long ago, I, um,

Uh, I posted a snapshot of, uh, a memoir that I’m working on and a dedication uh, scandal love children and illegitimate what I

am. And, It’s not something that I’ve talked about out loud publicly.

Like I talk about it to my, you know, my close circle

Uh, but it isn’t something that I’ve regularly broadcasted on social media before. Um, so that was a bit

of a risk, but then a bunch of folks messaged me saying, wow,

thank you for sharing this part of you. Um, I am, I’m, I’m, I’m, And I never, I never realized that this

quote unquote label is something that unconsciously and insidiously

seeps into the way that I feel about myself and the way that I interact with out

loud. Um, yeah, so being vulnerable out

loud absolutely self care and a way

cultivate

We don’t have to

the connection for us. Oh, sorry. You sort of made the connection for us a little bit

between self care and

community can you define them for us and maybe use some examples

of what each one

is

yeah,

So I, there was a thing that I used to say where like self care that doesn’t get reinvested

back into the

community is just Um, and

yeah,

so that, and the way that I think about self care is it’s like,

Depositing into your body bank. Body bank meaning I feel energetic, I feel

nourished, [00:10:00] I feel rested.

And that’s a form of wealth, that’s a form of privilege. And if we hoard wealth,

if we hoard

privilege, um, then you’re a hoarder.

But yeah.

Um, but there’s, you know, there’s real beauty in sharing a regulated nervous system. You know, like if, if, if my body bank is full, I’m going to invest which is how I kind of got into conflict mediation, um, and like group dynamic It’s like, okay, I’m feeling resourced. I can hold multiple truths, uh, in conflict. and not be swallowed by the riptide of like, defense and protection. So, can I hold space for community members as they’re navigating conflict Um, and especially like, I live in Hamilton, uh, the queer community is so, So it’s not like you can be in conflict with someone and then be like, well, bitch is done.

I’m going to find like new fam over here. It’s not like that. We have to be so committed

to rolling around in the mud with each

other and rolling around in the mud with each other. So hard. It’s not something that we’re commonly taught growing up around like mindful, compassionate, conflict, Um, and yeah, I feel like self care for me is a way for me to feel nourished enough and have a full enough bank account to be like, all right, I’m gonna hold you with it.

Like, I can do this with you. I will help. I will be here with you

Yeah, so it’s like we fill up our bank account so that we can create community that we all deserve and help along where [00:12:00] we all acknowledge that it’s a group project. And then it’s like this feedback loop. Like, I can’t annihilate my own need for care in service of

community.

There needs to be balance.

I can only invest from a full bank

you know,

a full cup. Whatever

analogy But yeah, the. The analogy that works care

is like depositing bank,

And when I feel like oh, I’ve like I’ve invested too much money I gotta like,

I gotta fill up the stores again, then I’ll make

sure to come back

to my self service of being a

giving,

It’s, it’s that age old uh, RuPaulism of like, how are you gonna love someone else if you

can’t love yourself? It’s

like, yeah. Um, that made me think about too I wonder if you could, uh, if we could chat a bit about like, in in In filling ourselves up, I I think there’s a tendency that with the ones we love and the ones we are closest to or in

like our, you know,

family units that, um, we often fill ourselves

up at least this is maybe I’m speaking from my experience and like go out into the world and like are

more giving of that.

And then our family members, when we’re at home, they can kind of. Get the, the, the empty part of our tanks.

I don’t know if, um, yeah, if that, if that resonates, uh, for you or, or not.

Majorly, And it’s, you know, where we feel more

secure, our softer [00:14:00] bellies.

You know what I mean? And so like our rage or our frustration, our irritability, you know, that’s like the soft belly. Um, and yeah, it reminds me of when I first opened. So Good Body Feel at one point was a physical studio.

Um, and when I was first launching GBF, Good Body Feel, wow, like,

The folks that came to the studio got the best parts of me. They got the most patient, they got the most smiley, they got the most funny, like they got the shiniest

of Robin. And my children and my very patient partner, uh, got the dregs, they got the crumbs, uh, and

I think when I started to really impact of that, um, and when I started Um, really feeling burnout, uh, in my body.

Um, it made me re evaluate who do I want to have the best parts Um, and can I redistribute? And like coming back to, uh, As an anti capitalist, it’s funny how much I lean on money analogies, uh, but, uh, whatever. But yeah, like, how can I redistribute the wealth of my patience, the wealth of my, uh, joy, um, so that the people are also getting the privilege of my regulated and my um, And so that I started pulling, that’s when I really started recognizing practice

of balance care I was [00:16:00] giving, giving. And

then I’d come home turtle status, sad boy. My kids wanted to play. I did

not have the I felt really shitty about that. Uh, so that’s when

Paying attention to how I with whom, how often, boundaries, Boundaries

is like a new thing

for uh, and how boundaries are a major part of self care and It’s how we

so I know,

uh,

I actually, well, I will, I do want to know more about

somatic therapy in particular because I am very

curious of whether or not that would only a good myself, daughter, I tend to like I can get very stuck in my body. I can think rather than feel. And that’s

been

part of my challenge over the last few years is to really like

get into that, that feeling.

the feelings rather than all of the thinking, um, but what are some practices that you think like most people

would benefit from having in their lives?

Uh, I love hate this question because it’s like, how long do we have?

Yeah.

Yeah, there are, so, we’ve With somatic practices, really it’s just like, get in your body. And honestly, whatever is the most accessible way for you to get in your body,

do that and try to do it every day. Um, me, It looks like this, what I’m doing right now, like hand on heart, hand on gut, three big breaths.

And I just like feel the contact of hand on

my heart, so that my

heart feels like oh, I got me. And my hand on my gut, like, I love you, belly.

You know, like [00:18:00] this, this contact and like nourishing breaths. Um,

and the thing with any type of embodied practice,

you could be doing literally anything.

drinking coffee, but with

intention, like with presence. like I am drinking

this coffee. so

much. I love the way it tastes. The condensed milk is hitting.

you. Lauren’s a real

coffee. drinker.

Yeah. So it’s like what it, whatever. And brushing my teeth. It’s like, can I brush my teeth with, high quality attention. And so it’s just bringing high quality attention to the ways that you’re already using your body.

Having a relationship with your body, doesn’t necessarily doing a yoga thing three times a week for a full hour, for it to count. It could really mean you, you brush your teeth every day, hopefully multiple times a day. So now you have multiple times a day where you could just add awareness to it and notice what’s happening in your body.

Like, Oh, I can feel the bristles on my. Guns. I can

feel the suds and the mint on my tongue. Like, what can you be aware of as you That’s happening in your body, so that your thoughts are being directed that your body’s Um, So that’s the main thing, is like, find something that you’re already doing.

What do you already do every day? And then pay attention to what’s happening in your body as you’re doing it. Washing the dishes. Can you like, feel the water and the temperature of the water on your hands? notice the motions and the actions that you’re doing as you’re washing or bending over to load the whatever?

Like, it doesn’t have to be

a ceremony. Slash, can we turn daily actions into ceremony and can we turn daily

sacred? Um,

a [00:20:00] thing that I do between clients is I’ll put on a,

a song that

like a mirror. And, Yeah, I, I love that. And then I, like,

my body changes state. My energy changes its state. It doesn’t take us

much to change state. we just have to

change it,

you

know? So if I like shake And like, make

noises or I’ll

like,

you know, tap and slap and squeeze

and then I’ll notice how I

feel afterwards like,

I love that because it makes it so much more accessible and less intimidating. Cause often we can be given these

practices that are like, take extra time out of your day and extra energy. And you can get to the end of the day of the day and be like, I should be doing these

exercises or this meditation, but

I I can’t, like,

I’m just too tired or I

don’t have the energy or I just don’t want to think about it.

So that’s so nice. That’s such a great. It’s

just a, how can you build it in to the things you do already in a

very present way. I feel like I use walks for that a lot. Every morning I

need some sort of walk and I won’t fill my ears with music or a podcast. Most of those times I’m just

walking, letting like,

thoughts flow.

paying attention to my body. I’ll notice sometimes I’m like, man, I’m really walking like I’m on a mission. Like, like I can, I can actually just relax the body. Like I, this is just a walk. I don’t have to feel all this kind of like, where’s all this tension coming from? And I can kind of force myself to, to like, just be, yeah, just be kind of be more embodied in that moment.

moment.

Yeah, I love that. I, well, you’ve kind of touched on it a little bit, so I, of like, maybe things that people get, Get wrong with self care it sounds like trying to make it this bigger thing than it isn’t [00:22:00] Um, is there anything else that like people are kind of or misconceptions around around self care? I mean, I keep I keep thinking about thinking about what you said about not hoarding it and I was like, oh, that’s so good

Yeah. I have to say though, yeah. Lauren is not a hoarder. Lauren is one of the most generous people you’ll ever meet, so like.

Lauren

is the most thoughtful, like task oriented. What can I do for people and like to make people happy? So not a hoarder for sure over

Not a

it’s, it’s, it’s, it’s not,

what is it, it’s, there’s

no, uh, selfless act. Like, I get joy from that. That’s how I fill myself up. You

You do, but it’s also like you are making connections when you’re doing that and you’re giving back.

Like it’s very obvious that you’re giving to

obviously

when you’re

Yeah. that makes me think of, like,

you talking about how that fills you up, the

giving there, there is receiving.

Again, bringing it back

to finance bros, uh, like, It’s your investment

growing, like the, the interest

or whatever, see, this is where the analogy

It’s paying dividends.

about, like, something about putting money somewhere and it grows, Uh,

money

High, High

that’s what’s happening.

Yeah.

Uh, yeah. High interest f fund. Yeah.

not finance pros.

yes, yes.

bros. Yeah.

Um. But Yeah.

I

feel like a thing that folks can get tripped up on around self

care is that, I mean, wellness has become another industrial complex. So we’re,

we’re told, we’re sold that in order to feel better about your life, you have

to take a ayahuasca journey in Peru or a

meditation retreat in

Costa Rica, um, in order to like, Feel better and

like for sure those things

hit like for sure they feel lovely

Let’s go to Peru. [00:24:00]

Like who would not want to just trip out in the jungle being cared for by an elder like that sounds beautiful and it’s not accessible and and Why wait?

To afford that moment or why wait to get your two week vacation off if you have, full time employed and and then can go like we can find Micromoments in our day to day that feel like

and Every time we turn our attention to those micromoments

that we have the opportunity every day, they accumulate.

And then we are able to tap into that more. And like, this world really needs us to find some ease so that we can continue to bear witness to how

wounded we all are and how those on each other. And the planet, like we need to find those moments of so that we can tend to the planet other rather than other.

But when we feel too dysregulated and overwhelmed, uh, we, I, feel debilitated by the overwhelm Um, and that’s when I know, okay, I gotta fill my body bank up, like hand on heart, hand on gut, three deep breaths. dance to something. How can I share this moment

Um, it can be micro, like there’s, nothing is

and the, the micro moments that we find it. And

then it’ll feel delicious. that. not only are we latching our mindfulness

practice to the time we brush our [00:26:00] teeth, we’re, we’re now like,

I will go on a

30 minute walk.

You know, we, we create more time Um,

so the thing that

people get wrong about, self care is it doesn’t have to cost

take a lot of time. It can. And those things are delicious, but

it’s also delicious to like find

the

I love that. And those micro moments also in other things you talked about, like setting boundaries, saying no. I read this great book by Dr. Pooja Lakshmin last year that came out called Real Self Care. And she talks a lot about this, like this, um, kind of the element of privilege privilege involved as well in being able to like self care isn’t about these

Big, you know, retreats to Costa Rica. It

is about saying no, it’s about pausing before you respond to someone who’s asking a request of you to

like truly check in with yourself and decide whether or not that’s something you

can. say yes to, or like negotiating to make sure that it is something you can say yes to. And if you can’t say no to something, but you really want to, for whatever reason, you can’t say no.

Um, Uh, she suggested, uh, setting no boundaries for yourself, meaning like, I recognize that I can’t say no to this at this time, but like, I hope that a year from now, I’m able to say no, like, and so, so that’s really speaks, um, to me. in my mind to this idea of micro moments. Again, it doesn’t

have to

look big and sometimes it’s only something you’ll know that you’ve done, but that’s, that’s where the value is.

Like you said, you’re going to build up your strength to be able to live like that more consistently and then your bank will be fuller over time.

Yeah, I

Yeah. I, and I, I love how you talked about sometimes

it’s something you’re doing internally that not other people will know.

And, uh,

Yeah,

there are times where

I’ll be

in conversation with family members. Um, I love my mom so much. Okay, I’ll preface like I love my mom so much. She’s the best and she’s

[00:28:00] my mom.

Yeah.

Uh, so

Yeah. Enough said. Yeah.

Yeah. Um, so there are times where she’ll talk. She’ll be saying stuff to me that Um, it’s activating or, you know, triggering or like it’s, it’s like not feeling good to hear and, and, uh, in another time, in other times I would have like shut her down or told her to change or make her feel bad about herself for whatever reason.

Um, because she was making me feel bad. But now I’ve gotten to the point of like, oh, that’s how my mom is showing me she loves me. It’s a very prickly, judgmental, harsh love. But in this moment, she’s trying to tell me she loves And can I do this like internal translation of like,

listen to the intention, not the words.

and also like water off a duck’s back. Like what she’s saying isn’t actually hurting me and I like will like do something like that to just really receive what she’s trying to give me. Um, but my, you know,

the way that I’ve been cultured and like the way that I’ve been growing and healing might not.

Uh, like the way that she’s saying it or doing it.

So there is this internal boundary of like, I want to maintain connection with my mom. I understand at the root of this, this is love. I have the privilege of translating what she say. and what she’s And so I can give her this moment to, to give me her motherly love, and I can give myself this moment of receiving her motherly love, even though it sounds prickly.

Um, and those are [00:30:00] like forms of internal boundaries I’m not telling her anymore, like, don’t say it like that. Why you gotta be a bitch?

Um, letting her do her motherly and I’m

translating yeah. And that would be an

I have the privilege of knowing differently, uh, and

being translate and navigate

the way we communicate Uh, and since I have

the

why, why force her to change in order for

that we don’t need to let other

people, um,

have Emotions or where, you know, depending how full their self care cup is, we don’t need to let that internalize that onto

our own, just because someone else may

be spinning out or, you know, presenting something in maybe a prickly fashion, it doesn’t matter.

Like their landscape does like not need to dictate our own individual one. We can we

can still just be kind of floating

I think Um, I appreciate what you what you said earlier about you know, there is so much in the world right now that is, it can be extremely draining. You know, every time we open up our phones, um, it’s, it’s, it’s horrendous what’s going on in Lebanon and Palestine and all of those things.

And I think, um, part of it, it could be like, you know, we get so , we don’t even want to look anymore. And I think having those little moments where we fill ourselves up so that we can be intentional with it and engage with those things. is really important so that we can, redistribute and , help create the world that, that [00:32:00] we really want to see with this stuff.

Like it, yeah, I think just, yeah, this, this stuff of self care can , sound frivolous, but I think it’s so, so important Yeah, we really, really

it’s like the building blocks of the

really. Yeah. And feeling

and feeling

of

I’m gonna kind of combine, uh, two questions into our final question for this. Firstly, where can people find you?

And secondly, what might they be able to come to you

Yeah. Okay. Thank you. Um, you can find me at goodbodyfeel. com and it really shows all the things or tries to show the things that I do. Um, and, uh, on social media at goodbodyfeel or, uh, at Royola, Royola spelled R O Y O L A and that twice. Yeah, and folks can come to me for all sorts of things. I love working one on one with folks, whether it’s through therapeutic contexts like somatic relational therapy, or, I’ve done, like, before I was a therapist, I did somatic coaching, but then I went access, uh, or be able to be accessible to folks who have to spend on individual Um, but before that I was So, um, those are the ways that I work one on one with folks. I also do, uh, conflict resolution or conflict mediation. Sometimes that just looks like group dynamic work coming into an organization and, um, equipping a team with A shared vocabulary so that they know how to speak to each other, uh, and we create scripts with each other around how to, like, self advocate, advocate for another person, how to take accountability.

Oh my goodness, if we [00:34:00] all could learn how to take accountability,

we’re literally world peace. Um, so if you want to learn how to take accountability with a goofy me, Hit me up. Uh, and then I, I’ve done keynotes for things around

group dynamics, self

care and, and, and with, uh, sharing like these practices, on how to fill up our body bank and

what it looks deposit into the community as well. Um,

yeah, look at good body feel, I am a forever student, so I’m just always.

adding stuff to my Mary Poppins bag of tricks. Um, and cause I’m just like

really addicted to my own self improvement and my And when I

find a tool that like, Ooh, have you tried this

tool?

Like it really works Um,

which is why.

I’m like, see me for whatever. I’ll, I’ll, I’ll

you’ll figure it

out. Um, well I think we

found our guest for the how to episode because we’ve been wanting to do an episode on how to apologize and that like how to be

accountable, like how to take accountability

just

feels perfectly in line

so I think we’ll

be

pinging you

for a conversation about that sometime

soon.

This has been another episode of Dear Queer. Just a reminder, we are not actually experts. Any advice given should actually come from our experts who we will bring in from time to time.

Music brought to you by Sean Patrick Brennan, produced by myself, Lauren Hogarth, and your host as always, Alena Papayanis I’m cutting that