Red Flags & Dating

[00:00:00] when Dev and I first started dating and I unknowingly was a red flag for them.

Oh my God. I love

this.

Today on Dear Queer, we’re talking about red flags.

I know I’ve missed a lot in my day, or maybe saw them at the time as pink, or some other indeterminate colour, but like lots of lessons in love, I saw the colour much more clearly after the fact.

So good. Also, I think, that is a green flag. Thank you.

That I saw the red flags

Well, that you’re thinking about them after the fact, isn’t

it is, it’s true actually. That’s a, that’s a good point. Um, but I know, I don’t know. It’s one of those things where I can look back and see there were times, it’s like you don’t learn it until you learn it. Sometimes

Sometimes you gotta, you gotta go through a few red

a few red flags.

Oh, and for our listeners, so we’re, we’re gonna do red flags

Yeah. Oh, and for, for our listeners. So we’re, we’re going to do red flags this week. And then, you know, we’re softies at heart. We’re, we’re going to end on those green flags. We’ll catch you next week with some optimism, turning red flags into green flags. We got you. Don’t worry.

we got you, don’t worry. Uh,

Uh, I mean,

I went to, I kind of defaulted to some of the kind of tropey ones, you know, it’s like. At least I think these are kind of common ones where it’s [00:02:00] like, oh, treats the waitstaff badly or, um, you know, speaks poorly of exes and like that kind of thing. Yeah, like those were like the easy on the mind

those too, but I mean, I think it makes sense that we’ll probably have some common ones like that on our list because those do speak to more general behaviors or values of, of people that we’re dating.

Right. So, you know, like you, like the one about not treating waitstaff. Well, I mean, that’s a clear sign of kind of being disrespectful or being entitled. Like these are major flaws, you know? And, and if you’re going to be dating someone, potentially turning it into a partnership or something long term, you want to make sure that you want to pay attention to that because that’s not who you want to be with.

And that’s a, I think a really good point of even, you know, red or green flag sounds kind of silly, but really what we’re looking at is, in dating, and especially in early dating, is, you know, potential in people.

Is this someone who I could see fitting into my life and be compatible with and build something with? And those little signs, like it or not, I think they help.

Yeah, absolutely. Because I mean, with that example too, the, the value that they’re missing or not

demonstrating

is kindness, like basic kindness. Yeah. And, and if you see them. Behaving like that towards someone they don’t. No, even. But imagine, imagine if it were to turn on you, because it very well could if that’s kind of the way they move about the world.

Yes. I know. I mean, I know we love, , gossip and reality TV and all that stuff here. Yes. Always bringing it back

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But,

um, I always think too, uh, uh, it could be a red or a green flag, but how people talk about others when they’re not there. there and it is such an important thing because then you get in your head it’s like wait if this is how they talk about their friends how are they talking about [00:04:00] me and I think there’s like positive gossip that’s like fun and like you can learn from and you’re kind of

And not mean or

and not

yeah, not mean

it’s it yeah that’s it it’s like it’s the intent it’s the like you can tell where someone’s coming from yeah

and the other thing about that, so like, oh, sorry, I got all off topic there. Um, but yeah, there’s going to be some that we’re gonna have in common and then there might be some that are more specific to our own dating experiences.

And we actually asked, um, some of our listeners too, and they got a bunch there. And some of those, We’ll be, we’ll feel more specific to that person, right? And, uh, like for example, there’s one, I don’t remember everything she said, but, but one of her points, , was that if they like

astrology,

Is that a red or a

that’s a red for her.

And I know, I know where she’s coming from. She’s like got a scientific background. Um, and there could be a whole conversation around that. Like obviously there’s a whole spectrum of how seriously you follow astrology or believe that it’s like a guiding principle in your life, right? There, you know, like there’s a whole spectrum of that.

, but I thought that was kind of funny cause that’s definitely a more niche one , in the queer world.

Okay.

so tell me some of your red flags. Okay. Let’s, let’s jump in.

The first one I that just came to mind when I was writing my list was not having an interest in getting to know you or not asking questions that at least have some.

Not even have some depth, but are literally about you.

about you.

Just a hint of

Yeah. Rather than them just talking about themselves all the time. Like, cause the purpose of the date is like, you would hope that they want to get to know you too. So that was the first one that came to mind because I’ve been in that situation where. I’ve gone on a couple of dates with someone and I was like, what is missing here?

Then I’m like, Oh,

I have that down. Don’t ask any questions.

Someone who’s just there and they’re just like, here’s me. And you’re just like, all right, cool.

Yeah. Yeah. When’s my turn? Yeah.

That’s so important in dates, having that like back and forth.

 So on the other hand of the like, not [00:06:00] asking enough questions, well, actually, this fits with it. It’s the kind of trauma dumping, right? So it’s not only them just only talking about themselves, but talking about, like, really deep or intimate or are difficult or traumatic things in their life, when they don’t, They don’t know you well enough to trust you with that.

So that for me feels like, uh, like a lack of bound, like emotional boundaries. And actually I think a lot of my flags when I was looking back, I’m like, I think because I have the recovering people pleaser mentality, so I’m, I’m actually looking out for people pleasing a lot and the trauma dumping kind of fits in that, that area of, of boundaries because I’m like, well, how do you know you can trust me with this?

Like, this is really vulnerable. information for you, and it doesn’t feel appropriate that you would, that you would trust me with this without knowing me for longer.

Yeah, kind of. And I think that the key with these red flags and, and things of that nature is it’s, it’s giving you a clue, a clue or insight into how they handle more serious things and other things. It’s like, can I actually trust you with things that are important to me? Like how, like, or is that just going to be on display, um, for everyone else?

And I think. I think it’s important that I mean these things are so nuanced. It’s like You could say, Oh, you know, we’ve just had two sides of the same coin. They don’t ask questions. They share too much, not enough. And it’s, it’s kind of this thing where it’s different. It really is personal. Cause you know, there probably is someone out there who would love that.

But

Yeah. But I mean, yeah, that’s true, but it might then be an unhealthy match if they’re both like diving in too deep, you know, like trauma dumping on each other that could end up being a kind of.

some

sort of problematic bond, potentially, if they’re both kind of, uh, diving in so deep, so

of, uh, diving in so deep so fast. Oh,

like, I did not

that? Oh, I [00:08:00] mean, there was one that, like, I’ve, I knew so much about that person’s past and family and, um, Um, Like a remarkable, it was too far too much, like a whole history in a few hours.

And, and did they know, like, if you even had, like, a pet or anything by the end?

Oh no, oh no, no, no, no, no,

Like, let’s start with the basics.

yeah, yeah.

you,

Yeah,

do you like dogs?

no, it was very, uh, yeah, it would like, it was just like a waterfall. It’s just a waterfall.

Do you have, uh, I mean, I’m, I’m, so when doing this I was trying to like think back to the apps. Do you have things in, like, profile red flags?

Um, I mean, I don’t know if, okay. This is one. I’m curious what your, what your take is on this one. When someone says that they’re looking for someone who doesn’t take themselves too seriously. I am never sure if that’s.

If

that, like, what is that code for?

Is that code for

like, you’re funny or like, is that code for like, if I cancel all the time, you’re not going to worry about it. Like, you’re not going to take life so seriously that I need to kind of, I don’t know, I’m not even describing a wall right now,

it well right now, but I, I, I immediately went to like someone who maybe doesn’t sweat the small stuff, and so someone who is, um, maybe more, more open minded.

But, I don’t know, I think there’s this combination that I love of like serious, silly, like you need the, you need all of those

Yeah, I agree. So that feels, that almost feels like an emotionally avoidant thing to be like, don’t think, don’t take life too seriously. Like don’t be anxious. Don’t ask questions. Don’t like,

Okay. So you’re, you’re unpacking, like, man, I remember when I wrote, like I was not a good profile writer and that’s why I probably had to meet my fiat same person. But like, I’d just be like, ha ha, well, send it out [00:10:00] into the world.

I don’t know. That’s one that I’d love. Actually, maybe listeners, they can write in and tell us what they think that means or if they’ve ever written that, what that means to them,

We should do a whole episode on dating app writing.

And then the other one, um, that I don’t love is just ask. Because you’re putting all the work on the other person.

And I don’t even have an entry into asking, I don’t know where I should start because you have no bio for me to be like, is that your dog? Is that like, there’s nothing there for me to work with for an opening line. If I wanted to,

one of our listeners put in as their red flag, um, the first text message or note in an app being hey. What am I supposed to do with

I, I just give it back

Sup.

it’s a, it’s a hayback is, or it’s a, whatever app back because it’s, uh, and just matching the energy. Yeah,

Oh, so lame.

yeah. I do you have any others that

Red

Yeah. Or like the dating

Or dating app specifics. Oh man. I mean, if so, like, you know, kind of piggybacking off our listeners.

 If you can tell they haven’t actually looked at your profile or read anything, that was kind of a red flag for me. Or like, I always, I always appreciated when someone, you know, said something about a photo or something you said, it’s like, give me something. Yeah.

Should we get more on my list or how about

Yeah, what do you?

yours? Um, I have,

it doesn’t, can’t take accountability for things. And I, it doesn’t even have to be, you know, just sometimes you have conversations with people or like you want to bring something up or say something you need or be like, you know, this, I was upset when we, whatever.

And if they can’t, just directly address it and instead kind of skirt around it or make excuses, like, well, I couldn’t do that because then this and then like it’s that kind of bouncing around rather than just sitting in the accountability to be like fair. That’s fair. Or, uh, [00:12:00] Or just engaging in it rather than like immediately deflecting and kind of offsetting any accountability.

Um, and even if it’s, even if it doesn’t require an I’m sorry, or an apology, it’s just the fact of like having some sort of accountability. Um, because I just feel like that’s another thing where, like, well, like you said before,

said before. Yeah, it’s like, like you said, it’s not, we were talking about flags, but it’s about these

And it’s like, like you said, it’s not, we were talking about flags, but it’s about these bigger things. Like, cause what if it is about something small in one case, but then if they can’t be accountable for something small, then what about when it’s something big? Right? They’re not going to be more likely to be able to engage in that.

Um, so that was another one for me. And again, that might be less apparent in dating and more apparent in an actual like relationship once you’re kind of, been with a person for longer. Ooh, this one, I don’t wonder if, what do you think of this one? If someone over apologizes.

Yeah. And as Canadians.

I’ve,

uh, fully been bumped into by someone and then been like, sorry.

been sorry. Yeah. That’s also people please everything. And in fact, there’s this great scene. This was a bit of an eye opener for me. Did you ever watch the good wife?

I loved

So there’s a scene I

My mom and I,

Oh, so

Wife fans.

can’t remember who was talking to Julianna Margulies in this scene, but he was basically like, there’s, there’s, Like, there’s a scenario, you bump into someone and there’s two people in this world, like the person who apologizes and basically the person who doesn’t, like.

And he was like, you are the person who apologizes. And it was like he was talking through the screen to me. I was just like, oh my god, I am,

And wait, [00:14:00] I do not remember this scene, was it, was

was near the end. It was a negative because it’s like you’re apologizing for something that’s exactly for existence. And like, you’re both accountable for that moment.

Right? Like it’s not, you don’t need to be the one reaching out and saying sorry. Like, and so I feel like if someone’s apologizing too much, it’s just a sign of like feeling kind of just not so steady or stable in their own. Maybe.

I think I used to apologize a lot more.

Same. Yeah.

Yeah, recovering people,

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Do you have some, you want to share though?

Well, I wrote, uh, I was, I was thinking about when Dev and I first started dating and I unknowingly was a red flag for them.

Oh my God. I love

this. We we were, uh, we were talking So I’ve lived in, you know, a couple different places, moved around a bit, spent a lot of time in Los Angeles, and I guess before the pandemic, I, I’m giving you all the context, apologizing already for myself up front. What am I doing? Let me just give you the red flag first.

So my red flag was that, or devs flag of me was that, they had asked if I would go live somewhere else for like a

year,

six months, whatever. And my, my immediate kind of knee jerk response was like, Oh no, I don’t think so. Like I love Toronto. It’s got, it’s where my community is. At the time I was, well I still am, was really investing in meeting other queer folks.

I had moved back. Just before the pandemic and like, had felt like I was just starting to find my footing here. And I was like, the idea of moving, I was like, definitely coming from that fear place of like, I don’t want to move. I just did this. And I was like, putting it in like this, like. if I say yes, then this is happening.

Whereas like in reality, it’s like, Oh, like I would like to go live somewhere for a few months or like once we kind of [00:16:00] talked, over time and like, basically we, you know, kind of found ground that, that feels good to both of

Yeah, and you’re both like you’re in a settled place, but you were projecting into this

Yeah, I was like, Oh no, I’m, I

to uproot myself again.

Immediately.

totally. Uh, apparently, yeah, Dev went and told Haley like straight away. It was like, Oh no, it was, it’s going so good, but they never want to leave Toronto.

wow. I mean, that’s, that’s maybe a good lesson, though, for people who, who do get a pretty. Rigid answer from someone to, I mean, it’s not to say like, maybe they’ll change their mind and like hold out hope, but it’s something, it’s conversations that can be

Yes. And it’s context and like, yeah, it’s like, Oh, would I love to,

asking more,

like, maybe if Dev had been like, well, why, why do you feel so strongly about that?

Then maybe you would even, you’ve even unpacked it then just being like, well, I feel like I just got here, but like, I do love to travel and

Yes.

could have come about, yeah, it could have come about if it had been like stretched out

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. That’s a funny one. I mean, I’ve definitely been guilty of some of these things I’m going to say for sure.

What else do I have here? Oh, if someone’s words and

actions don’t line up consistently. And not to say that we are always exactly, you know, following what we say. Sometimes our words aren’t totally accurate or, or things do change, but there should be some level of consistency between what people say they’re going to do and what people actually do. because it’s so easy to believe the words, because you want to believe the words. Mm-Hmm. . But the evidence is always in the actions. Right?

Yeah, I love a show, I mean you can tell, but show don’t tell.

Yeah.

Yeah. Um. Yeah,

What do you got?

 So I’ve got some questions, but I think, [00:18:00] um, with each question we, I want you to kind of just give me your knee jerk, is this a red or green

flag? gotcha.

Okay.

All right, so this is from one of our I am so smitten with my new person, but I’m trying not to get ahead of myself. We’ve been dating for two months, and we were already talking about moving in together. Part of it for sure is NRE, guilty, but also practically, their living slash roommate situation isn’t great, and this city is

Nope. Nope.

Nope, red flag, don’t do it.

Practi just for the sake of practicality, that should not be the reason you quickly move in. Especially after just two months. Like, I know things happen fast, but like, for practicality’s sake, you can’t make that the excuse. Like, they should just get another roommate. You know? Um.

even if, like, you’re pretty sure, you know, maybe in six months or a year you’d be having this conversation, Yeah, like, oh my, actually, Dev moved, moved into a new place probably about three months after we were dating, and neither of us talked about it, but, but we both had like our own internal conversation of like, she, she’s not making it to the end of that year, Lise.

amazing! Oh my god, I love that. But yeah, but you didn’t rush it. You were like, this has to happen. This is part of the process. Um, cause that is, I didn’t write it down, but that moving too fast, or like the love bombing kind of thing is also definitely

And you just, honestly, I don’t think if you’re, if you know it’s going that way, there’s, there’s, there’s no rush and it’s hard to unwind things.

It’s like once the more entangled up you get, you know, whereas you could have maybe just spent a few more months getting to know each other. What if, you know, they’re great in fall, but like winter, the

Yeah. No, but it’s true. Right? And I, yeah, I believe that too.

If, if you kind of, not about setting the bar too high, but it’s, if it’s too intense too quickly, yeah. Then any attempts to walk that back end up, it’s hard. Or like. It [00:20:00] triggers someone’s anxiety or it’s like, because then it’s seen as backward momentum and that’s really difficult. It’s better to start slow and then build and, and like

Yeah. I’ve been in relationships too where, um, those have actually been like a good litmus test for me.

It’s so interesting because if you have the conversation at the right time, it can be great. But, um, I was, I was dating this person and, you know, they asked me to go to a out of town wedding and, And the wedding was like probably like five months away and I was and we hadn’t even been dating that long and so I was like Like I felt like I wanted to say yes Cuz like that sounds lovely and like, you know trips are fun and all those things But like, you know even you kind of get those little like Warning signs and it tells you more about where you’re at in the relationship and that maybe it wasn’t the right fit or something like That it’s like those little subtle warnings I

fast commitment

love bombing, the

Um, yeah, because the love bombing,

the love bombing in particular, too, is

Yeah, but it’s like, one of

but it’s like one of the like, it’s an anxious

maybe, yeah.

to love bomb because you’re trying to kind of like,

them

tuck them into your space, right?

And be like, let’s hurry this and like, and it might not even be about the Like it is about them liking you, but maybe it’s also about them wanting a relationship really badly.

or wanting to check where you’re at and hold on to you tighter because they’re worried that you might not and it’s like If I put this plan way down Yeah,

Alright, I’ve got another question here.

Hi, dear q Hi, dear queer. She, her, lesbian, in her twenties. I have been seeing a woman for six months, and she has met all my nearest and dearest.

We get along great, she loves my friends. But I have only met one or two of hers.

wait, how long have they been dating?

her? Six

And so, [00:22:00] the, the person asking the question, she’s met her partner’s friends, but it, it hasn’t, but not vice versa. Yeah.

I mean, it could

That’s all I have to go on, I’m sorry I don’t have more.

could be a case of the person who hasn’t introduced. To more than just a few friends, just moving at a slower pace. Maybe it’s just taking them longer to have that trust and like bring them into their world in a way because

maybe it’s

more painful for them if It then breaks off, and then they’re like, I brought you into my life, and that was a big deal, and so I want to make sure it’s like, the right time, so hopefully, yeah, so hopefully there’s no rushing, or like, pressure being put on them to like, I want to meet more of your friends, but at the same time, I’m trying to think if that was me, if I would feel, I don’t know, I guess it’s, It’s probably both just reflective of both their comfort levels.

That person who’s introduced them to more people wants to and is like comfortable doing that. But like I said, the other person might be just be moving at a slower pace. Um,

I think I introduced, when I was less serious, I introduced people quicker.

Yeah. I

don’t

know why.

Well maybe ’cause it didn’t feel like

Because it wasn’t state, yeah, maybe that’s it. Yeah.

I, that has

know if this is, you know, reflective for this person, but I was just thinking about that as we were talking.

Yeah. I think some people do that where it’s like, oh no biggie. So I’ll just bring them along and

oh, especially with, With Nick? Like, we would just, we’d introduce each other, like, each other to our, to people we’re dating all the time, because we’re like, what do you think?

Come on, give me the, like,

tell me what’s up. Is this person legit?

Yeah, that’s a valuable reason to do that is to see how they fit in and it just gives you a different perspective on like Okay, is this someone like how do they interact and is this someone who fits in with my my friends?

But I can see maybe why that person would Be a little concerned because it might be like why aren’t they introducing me to [00:24:00] more? Maybe they also have less Important

people have, like, smaller, closer groups, too. Or people from different worlds, or work friends, or all sorts of

But I mean, it could be a conversation, be like, I’m so happy you’ve, like,

you’ve, like, Yeah,

and I’m so happy I’ve been able to introduce you to these people. I hope you’re comfortable with all of that. I’d love to meet more of your friends when you’re ready. Like, it could just be as simple. It doesn’t have to be any kind of of criticism. Yeah, communication. I think that’s a good point too. Like these, these are opportunities for conversations and then to, you know, turn those reds into

Yeah, like you might learn something really valuable about that person. Maybe the last relationship they were in, they introduced people too

they got attached

and then you’re worried about like, you know,

So then you learn something.

Okay, I got another one for you. I started dating a person and they don’t have a job. They got laid off about a month ago. They have been looking and got an offer for something adjacent to their field, but they really want to wait to find something they can grow in and be excited about. They have about another, uh, They month left until they run out of their severance, and I’m not, uh, and I’m not ready to support them in that way.

Should I be worried?

Hmm. I mean

I wish I knew how long they’d been dating

yeah, that’s a good point. Um,

Okay. Wait, so good instinct, red or green? Well,

well, I mean, there’s a couple of layers there because they seem like they want to wait to find something that.

is going to be something they’ll be passionate about, which is good.

But on the other hand, sometimes you just, yeah, not going to settle. But on the other hand, if your money, if your severance is running out, sometimes you just kind of need something while you look for something better.

Yeah, and I think it, I don’t know if this is anecdotal or not, but I think it’s easier to find a job when you have one.

is. No, I think that’s true. But also, like, is [00:26:00] this, I guess some, there’s other questions, like, is this going to be. that poor for this person’s mental health to be

hmm.

Like, are, is this some bad inertia that they’re going to fall into? Is this a tendency of theirs? And then maybe they have, they’re not motivated to find something.

And like, so I guess I feel like there’s a couple of layers there, but I can see this person’s difficulty because they probably don’t want to pressure them.

But at the same time, they’re like,

I don’t know. There’s some people, some of our listeners mentioned things like not having interests or hobbies as being a red flag.

This could fall into that, if they’re just become kind of

And I think too, it depends, like, is this person being very proactive and like, you know, yeah, are they falling into their hobbies and making connections and, and doing all, all the

Yeah, well, they’re not working. So I guess it depends. That’s a tricky one. Yeah. ,

Um, shall we get into some listener red flags?

All right. Okay, so we’ve got our Dear Queer Listener red flags.

These are not ours, but maybe some are.

Um, first one, no passion, no hobbies, which we alluded to before.

same with astrology. People who are anti cats. Literacy. I’m a red flag. Oh my god. You can’t write

Oh my God. That was so perfect. Oh

Oh gosh. Illiteracy. As I get older, I realize the cost of ignoring. My preferences are higher and higher. I’d rather be

I mean, that’s fair, but definitely some of these are, are niche for, like, the astrology and anti cats and things. Some people might not, some people might be allergic to cats, and that’s why they’re anti why they’re anti cat. I think, uh,

That’s so

a red

flag

Uh, oh, this is, this is a good one that we haven’t said yet, too. It’s if someone has on their profile, quote unquote, I’m not political,

their profile,

which I, I mean, it makes so much sense to me because it’s a signal that.[00:28:00]

A person can’t see how, like, even like being queer is political.

Your our existence

It’s political, right?

It’s like it’s also it’s just kind of opting out and I’m sorry. This is not the time in society to be opting out.

So I can, I can, uh, I can relate to that one.

The way the person speaks about people when they aren’t around. Facts.

yeah. How guarded are they in the world? Lack of confidence, ghosting via communication.

Okay. Do you have, did you have rules or do you have rules about, uh, how long it takes someone to text back? Are there things that you look for?

Um, I guess it

depends. I have been guilty of expecting people to respond too quickly in the past. Um,

but at the

how did you find that out?

What do you mean?

Like, is that something you just came to understand or someone’s like, dude, no,

seeing like, okay, well, why don’t hold this person to that standard and maybe not this person like there’s something unique to that that connection that I’m expecting more there.

But that being said, I guess this is leaning into the green flags a bit, but if someone needs time, I would appreciate if they told me, rather than just disappearing and then reappearing later. Like, even just, uh, Just, I’m busy. I gotta, I gotta process this. I don’t have a response. As of now, I just need some time.

Like, just something means a lot.

Going into a shift.

Yeah, like that’s part of, you know, communication.

Uh, okay.

Anyone who claims to

have a good memory slash better memory than me. to

this background story of. Maybe this listener can give us [00:30:00] more.

champ? Yeah, I don’t know.

champ? Yeah, I don’t know. I’m curious.

I want to know more about that one. Because I don’t fully, um, understand it.

uh, there’s some

specifics here,

Yeah, We’re missing a story.

send us your story. Not asking questions,

Uh, not asking questions, being too available for dates. IE they have nothing else going on. Uh, not having friendships more than a year.

Okay, the friendship, sure. That’s, I think that’s a good one. Yeah. being available,

I guess too available

I guess so.

But I think, you know. Something that I think is nice is when people make themselves available and prioritize you. Um, I mean, don’t, don’t take my availability for granted,

Yes, and don’t drop everything for the sake of, yeah. Um, referring to themselves as newly single slash fresh out of a relationship. That’s fair. That speaks to potentially how emotionally available they may or may not be.

Oh, we talked about this one earlier. Opening message on a dating app is just

Hey. inconsistency.

Always have an alcoholic drink in their hand. Try to bring friends on your date.

That one is interesting.

I have had that and I think it was, I don’t remember if it was a second date. And it did feel a little weird to me. Cause it was like, let’s go meet all your buddies. And I was like, on the one hand. Okay. But. Then we’re not able to really talk anymore. Like it was, it was, was it a first date or second date?

I can’t remember, but it felt a little too early. I don’t know. Um, and then I did have another two that just came in, uh, judgment of me or people who are different. So I guess if they’re like overly critical or judgy or not showing any like grace towards people who think differently or are different than they are.

And then the other one is can’t show vulnerability, which is.

Yeah, [00:32:00] I guess that one is tricky in a way though, because

narcissists can pretend.

Dating’s

I know.

Help save, save

But, you know what I think with all of these, is that, They’re all very personal and Oftentimes, I think they can with context and communication.

They can be turned into green flags I mean I think what you’re what you’re really trying to suss out is like are people able to evolve are people open to Communication and working through some of these things like you take friends with their exes or something like that as one It’s like oh Well, or, or not, like, you could, you could make an argument for both, and I think the real question is the conversation that comes after these, you know, quote unquote red flags.

Have they learned from their past experiences, , are they, taking that into what they’re bringing into your potential relationship,

and that type of

and that

flag.

of

I love

thing? Also, you need to be aware of your own red flags. Like it’s not just about pointing fingers at other people, you know? Um, but if you’re seeing them everywhere, maybe you’re also like, you’re by, it might be a little skewed.

Your vision might be a little

life too seriously.

right? Is that what it’s about? Oh my God. We just cracked the code. Um, yeah, there’s something there. If you’re seeing red flags everywhere, maybe you’re not emotionally available and you’re just trying to kind of Cut down any chance of, of a, of something there.

Let us know what you think about any of these red flags. If you have opinions, if you have stories you want to share, we’re always welcome to hearing them and maybe even playing them if you’d ever want that.

 This has been another episode of Dear Queer. Just a reminder, we are not actually experts. Any advice given should actually come from our experts who we will [00:34:00] bring in from time to time.

Music brought to you by Sean Patrick Brennan, produced by myself, Lauren Hogarth, and your host as always, Alena Papayanis I’m cutting that.