Reciprocity in Relationships

[00:00:00] if someone lets you know their needs and you’re not inclined to want to do better, you kind of know that they’re not the person for you or the dog for you or what it is because your motivations aren’t there.​

The Cambridge Dictionary defines reciprocity as behavior in which two people or groups of people give each other help and advantages. But the issue of reciprocity can feel more complicated than this in romantic relationships, when two people might have different expectations of one another,

and

different ideas of what reciprocity is and looks like.

Today on Dear Queer, we’re talking about giving and taking in relationships.

And

once again, we have our wonderful guest co host

on,

Nick Rovers, which we’re very excited about.

Thank you so much for having me back. I also am very excited

I

don’t know, has it been on your

I don’t know, has it been on your mind lately?

I

guess in ways, just comparing things like throughout daily life,

when you’re,

you’re

in a situation or a moment and you can compare it to things from the past, whether it be 15 years ago, a couple years ago, whatever it is, and just like, oh man, things are way different.

And it just makes you see. Relationships in such a different

light

and seeing like what I used to do and get back versus what I used, what I am now doing and getting back

and

you make those direct comparisons every day. So I just feel, I mean, personally now I feel I’m getting so much more reciprocity in this current relationship I’m in than any other relationship I’ve been in.

And

It’s, I’m like, Oh, this [00:02:00] is, this is what I was

looking

Yeah. And

you don’t know until you’ve kind of experienced it. right?

Yeah. And it probably makes you look back too. Have you been in this situation where like, it’s almost like the other person gets used to.

You just giving and so then they even start to give less and less and then you give more and more It’s like like the balance starts to even get more

imbalanced.

Yeah

Feed forward in the way you don’t want it to

to be Yeah

Even though you’re putting in more effort, maybe you’re getting the opposite response for sure.

Um, but it’s, I think it’s more so just learning more about

yourself

and what you’re doing.

And that’s like, that’s, that’s what I’m comparing here is like, I’m looking back at Nick 10 years ago or 12 or 15 years ago or whatever, and comparing. What

he used to do in relationships, and that’s where I can see it a lot more as

you may not have even known what

to, what to

ask for.

Mm-Hmm. .And I think it it can, it.

, when you’re in a relationship where the give and take feels really healthy, I think that can be really great.

And then you

can look back on relationships and be like, oh, it wasn’t there. But it

was

like, maybe you weren’t compatible in the ways that

you you showed up for each

other or something like that.

Like it’s sometimes not that like, um, necessarily, could be, uh, that a person’s just take, take, taker, It’s

just we give in, in such

different ways. I don’t know if we should get into this, but maybe

I think love languages is like in a way that people kind of understand that kind of what they want, what they need, or, but,

True, like, yeah, in the sense that sometimes

people

are giving in the way that they like to give, but the person receiving might not see it. Yeah. If,

someone really needs all of those, uh, words of affirmation and their person’s just showing up with

flowers and chocolates or little acts of service or things like that, then it may, it may feel like it’s imbalanced.

Right.

I’ve learned rather recently that I just thought love language is like, yeah, that’s your love language and [00:04:00] that’s what you’re into.

I, and then I’ve learned furthermore, like you go in and you, what you like to give isn’t always what you want to receive or what you’re more prone to just give.

You’re like, Oh, but that’s not what I want to receive back. And people might think I do. So I’ve learned about like,

You have love languages for giving and for receiving.

a good point. That’s

That’s a big one I learned rather

recently. Like

you might like gift giving, but you might be really uncomfortable receiving little

Oh, i’m mad

Yeah, see?

Yeah,

you can be really thoughtful in giving,

but then you feel uncomfortable

I’m like, oh, don’t, don’t buy me things.

Yeah. And, and even with my partner now, Josh, he loves,

um,

words of affirmation and touch, but I, the main love language I get, like a big, huge one I get from him is acts of service, cause he just loves taking care of people, especially me, so it’s,

it’s like,

oh, I’ll, I’ll do

these things back for him, and I’m like, oh, he really just needs Like, to be squeezed or touched or hugged.

Or he really needs some nice kind words, like cute things throughout the day. I’m like, okay, I gotta, like, you have to reframe

that. They have to be translators in a

A hundred

languages, yeah.

But

No, I mean

It

is the way you be reciprocal, though. Is there love language? You can

How

do you reciprocate something? Like, you’re reciprocating love, not necessarily the exact

love language, right?

Yeah.

So.

This is a different, in a different dynamic, but, uh, one thing I’ve had to learn as a mother with my daughter

is

this too, in the sense that, like, learning how to love someone the way they want to be loved.

Like,

if it was up to me, I would be walking around probably in a

permanent

hug with her.

But she doesn’t, she doesn’t love physical affection.

kids, too.

They get embarrassed

or,

Yeah. And so, it’s really about recognizing that, that I can’t just do that. And if anything,

the

more I do that, the more that would push her away.

.And in fact, the more I can acknowledge

the way, the

space she [00:06:00] needs, then she’s more likely to come to me for it.

I think that just the fact that she knows that it’s always there if she needs it is a really safe thing

because I know, for example, my, my,

dad, my boyfriend

and

just

other people I’ve run into, I was smothered as a kid with love, always getting touched. My mom’s very, like hugs

me all the time

and just kisses my face and my dad and Josh didn’t get a lot of that growing up and it was the thing they craved and my dad made sure I got a lot of it because. He didn’t get it. So I think it’s really nice that your daughter can be like, okay, I don’t want it right now, but I know it’s there and that’s really safe.

True. Oh, I liked, I like hearing that. Thank you. yeah,

That’s why we bring Nick

Yeah. Yeah.

Thanks.

I, I needed that.

I think too, it

speaks to playing to,

um,

our individual strengths. Like

I might be, you know, Battling Mount Laundry on the weekly

here and, uh, you know, Dev makes me cute lunches.

And

so it’s

like, you know, the last thing they want to do is fold things, but I’m like, no, actually, I, I

quite

not, you know, I don’t

to eat, but But you can get into a rhythm or

can have favorite chores.

yeah.

yeah, yeah.

Yeah. yeah, yeah.

Yeah. And so it’s, yeah, it’s just kind of finding that balance in like,

who’s

good at what and kind of

playing

to it.

Yeah, and then there’s the,

there’s the issue of um, of emotional labor, which came up with me more in straight

dynamics,

especially if you,

there

is any child rearing involved, but that kind of um,

I

mean, there’s studies that show that even in straight relationships, when things are quite equal, generally, once,

uh, once

they

have a kid, an imbalance starts to, to

grow.

And it usually is in

that emotional labor aspect of like doing that kind of extra child rearing stuff, or just almost like thinking on behalf

of.

The [00:08:00] partner in order to set them up for success because it’s for your child. Yeah. So you don’t want them to fail because then your child suffers in some way.

Yeah. So you end up doing the extra labor there,

I guess we’re, we’re, we’re lucky in that sense that there, you know, uh, if you’re in, you know, a same, same gendered relationship, then it, everything’s on the

table. You

are already at the baseline is communicating it. There’s no assumed

.this,

assumed that.

yeah, it’s all up for grabs. It is, it actually

is, Yeah.

I

think

it always comes down to just like natural affinities towards doing the things that need to be done. And in relationship you’ll find, Um,

Um,

who, who gravitates more towards doing something to help the other one.

And

that could be an, even an emotional labor like someone just wants to really show up and take their kid to the practices and do all that stuff because it’s, they’re interested in seeing it play out. Whereas someone else might be too busy or not want to do that, but they show up in other ways as well.

So you find your grooves and where it works for.

Both

of you working towards the greater good of making your

kid

happy.

I’m saying that as a non parent.

I’m assuming that’s what happens. We’re going

We’re going to do a parenting hour with you,

next. Oh,

Yeah. We didn’t tell you.

about that,

it’s on cats, I got it.

We

Uh, we did have one. I asked,

uh, some of our listeners what reciprocity meant to them. And one person did say, uh, mutual effort and mutual care, not symmetry, which I found I thought was a really good point.

Um, because it is, you know, it’s not always, it’s also not always possible for us to all be functioning at 100

percent and sometimes

you’re

at 20 and thank God Josh can be at 80 for that time being and then vice versa

when

need be, right? But

that

idea of like, it doesn’t have to be symmetrical, but it has to be mutual in the fact that you’re both giving what you can

and what you need to.

Yeah, I think too we talk about a lot in our relationship [00:10:00] is giving each other the benefit of the doubt.

And so when your partner is

at 20 or

whatever the case may be that you’re like, Oh, I know they, they want to get to 50 or a hundred or, Yeah.

they wish they were.

They wish they were, but maybe

that’s not today.

But we know where each other’s intentions lie and that we want like the best for each other and aren’t trying to show up poorly even though we’re exhausted or overworked or whatever it is.

Yeah.

and to your comment about

symmetry, I think that’s the number one way that.

Like

kids on a playground saying, that’s not fair. And I did this and they were expected to do this. Like that’s the number one way to fail is that each person has to put in exactly. 50%, percent because it’s so measurable. if you did half of a task and you’re waiting on that other half. So, I personally speaking, I’m not the best cook. I don’t have patience for it. Josh just He dices an onion in a couple seconds, it seems like, and he just whips up dinner so fast. I’m like, leave every dish. I will clean, I will do the, the spraying at the end and the disinfectant and the kitchens clean after because I’m I like doing that more than cooking and he likes cooking and he’s better at it.

So we just, that’s part of the finding the groove thing. I talk about as well. So perfect symmetry, I think is a plan of

Yeah.

Oh, and I think it’s going to set you up to bring in resentment.

resentment. Oh, yeah.

nothing worse than if your partner, or regardless of what type of relationship it is, if you’re keeping track and you’re worried about finding that, you know, 50 50 or 100 100, then you’re in trouble.

Make it not measurable. Just make it, make it love based.

Yeah.

a

friend of mine always says that it’s like, it’s about being It’s not a hundred, a hundred, it’s, or, well, I’m gonna butcher this.

Can

Can we

phone a friend?

Yeah.

Amanda,

write in, Tell, us your words.

Well, shall we, shall we try and, uh, do a little listener, listener

cue?

Yeah.

 Okay, this is something we’ve already touched on a little bit, [00:12:00] but do relationships have to be equitable?

It’s very

broad.

Yeah, it’s equitable, yeah, because my definition, or my understanding of equitable is that everyone benefits and gains, and it’s,

How

one gains isn’t always equal.

Like, someone might need more of one thing for it to be enough for them, and that’s exactly your point of the non symmetry thing. Like, show up for people where we know we need it. Like, I don’t need a ton of words of affirmation. Sometimes they can make me feel

a little

uncomfortable, especially if they’re from strangers or something, but Josh loves it.

So I’m like, okay, it’s not my go to to do that for people, but I will do that. So you have to make it equitable,

because that’s how the other person gets

Leave it

to

Nick to just like take a broad question and just cut right to it.

So good.

I

love it.

What if someone is feeling

like they’re showing up

and really giving,

giving, giving and

maybe they are in a mismatched relationship

and they have a partner who’s, you know,

I’m more on the take.

How

do you look out for that or protect, maybe protect yourself from

that or

advocate?

 I guess I think it’s important from the start to be an over giver

because that can set you up for Uh,

you know, that

unequitable dynamic

and also as a former, as a recovering people pleaser, that is very much, uh, A natural tendency

or like

I understand that it is kind of a manipulation in a way that that giving giving or like being really nice, really nice,

because the hope

there is that you will make yourself like indispensable in some way to that person or like you’ll insert yourself in this like, fundamental way in their

you sow. There’s no

yeah.

and then they’ll need you or something, you know,

love

bombing.

It’s so

then you end up resenting if they don’t, or you’re like, but I was so this, and I was so that, and you know,

and so that’s [00:14:00] like, you have to go in slow and

what’s appropriate for the level of the relationship or how much, you know, that person it’s can’t

be over, you can’t be over giving it’s got, you’ve got to like give and

you know, see if things are reciprocated or just see if there’s something

equitable going on or not.

Yeah, and I think that’s why, too, with dating, you know, there are phases of relationships like, you know, oftentimes people at the beginning of a relationship, there’s so much excitement. But

I think a lot

of the time that, you know, people can be on their best behavior and

they’re,

you know, going out of their

way to,

to show you to do this, to do that.

Um, and so I think

keeping an eye out

for when those things wane or what that looks like

over, you know, the course of a month or

multiple months

And recognizing like, is

this sustainable? Is this real? Like, is this a thing that, is this sustainable? Is this a long term thing or is this a, Is this a, bomb? Is this a, yeah.

 I’ve got another

question.

Okay.

My girlfriend and I have mismatched love language

is

I love receiving words of affirmation, but my partner is a big acts of service person.

I love

when they do sweet things for me, but how do I get them to be more aligned with what I like to receive?

I can feel that one, because that’s exactly

my relationship.

I love doing things to make Josh’s life easier, because he’s very busy and it just helps make things peaceful, but he sometimes just wants those words. Um,

encouraging,

my answer is, um, encouraging Josh to let me know when he needs more. So, that’s, I got my train of thought back. Back from the other point you were making is, if you are,

Just start over giving, over giving, be honest with yourself, and then start intentionally being, I don’t want to use the word selfish, but start asking for more things that you need back to make it, to kind of level it out.

So in my example I encourage Josh to ask me for more words of affirmation or I need you to

say

something and I’m happy to. And then it kind of primes me to say it more readily,

.um, even if it’s not my first go to. [00:16:00] So, being open and honest about what you need in that moment, even if you are You don’t say it all the time, but as you get to those vulnerable points where like, man, I could really use that love language.

Just be open and honest about it. And don’t be afraid to ask this person because this is

yeah.

code. Yeah. Like, give your partner the cheat codes. If you, if you like

something, tell them,

and when they do it, praise them, and yeah.

It’s

Set them up for

We do it

with friends easily. And I think most of our. big relationships, really are with friends because

we

don’t date when we’re nine,

but we’re, uh,

speak for you know,

but like

you learn give and take in friendships as well.

And if you find you’re really going above and beyond for that one friend, you’re probably going to let it fizzle. So,

Do the same approach with romantic relationships and don’t over give and over

Yeah, it’s a good point that these things all

apply to all types of relationships,

not just romantic. Um, equity in friendships is important and like, we all have those friends who we feel like will, you know, go out of our way to show up and this and that.

You know, those relationships I find, uh, if it’s not reciprocated, they’re just

not sustainable. Whereas, you know, if, I know if Nick

and I make plans and one of us doesn’t show or something,

like,

it’s,

there,

there’s a reason because we have just such a consistent history and know where where each other stand and that they’re there

Yeah, an outlier will

always be an outlier in that, because we know exactly our intentions in the friendship.

Oh, we’re

on housework

Oh,

 My partner can’t do a dish to save their life, and sometimes I just feel the resentment building up inside me, even though I don’t mind doing them most of the time.

How do I not blow up on them after not telling them I’d like it if they did the dishes?

You two will have to answer. ’cause I do all the dishes in my house.

Yeah, fair. I, like, it kind of comes back to my previous point of, I jump in on dishes because I know that I’m quick at it, I’m thorough, I do it to my own anal retentive specs that [00:18:00] I, that I like,

and I, if I’m like, oh, I have to do dishes again, or oh, sink full of dishes, I guess I’m on that.

I

always think, and I’ll list the things like, what? aren’t I doing though?

.Like

if

we make it about, well, my, like when your siblings don’t do the chores they’re supposed to, and you did this and you just go to complain to your parents, like don’t make it about that.

Just

make a list of all the things that they do for you.

And if that list is very sparse, okay, get resentful, but to try to reframe it, in that ,it doesn’t have to be the dishes that your partner needs to do. But to be like, Hey, I’m noticing I’m doing the dishes a lot. Every time the litter box needs changing, you mind jumping on that? Do you, I know my, my best friends, their, their relationship, they have very much divided tasks and they don’t change weekly.

They’re just, that is their wheelhouse in, in the, in the relationship to you’d always take care of this.

Yeah, that’s a good point. Rather than looking at it as a lack, unless there is genuinely like a huge imbalance, but like you said, you do the dishes, maybe, you know, this person does the dishes while the other person is doing the laundry, Or, like you’re doing the dishes knowing that Josh just made the dinner.

So it’s like that’s

that’s

a give and take right there.

And

it’s, it’s just assumed and communicated. It’s, it’s not so much like we have to, Oh, you’re making dinner again. Okay, great. Like, it’s just, He swoops in and does it, and I swoop in and does it, and it’s just, yeah, you get to that point of comfort in knowing that you’re

both

doing what you need to do to get the job done.

These are all

about, I’m noticing, like, chores and tasks and stuff, but what about, like, people’s feelings and reciprocity in, like, the deepest love based feelings? Like, what, what makes it

super

successful in

Yeah, like when it, when, how do you know a relationship is

equitable?

is a really good question. And I am the wrong person to answer.

 I have historically been in the giving,

in the giving position, I guess. And have always, have not always been

good at detecting that it’s at an imbalanced place. Or,

[00:20:00] I’ve

done the thing where

it is and then I, like, try to give more, hoping that’s gonna make

up the difference,

you

try and show them what you

Yeah,

and

I’ve also, you know, been afraid to ask for things that I need in the past too, so that obviously hasn’t helped.

 Knowing that, does that influence how you date now?

influence how you date now? I used to go in with that overdoing it, over giving right from the start as this kind of way to, you know,

speed

things up or make myself kind of

more,

uh, more important in

that person’s life

or

whatever.

so

yeah, I’m definitely like, put the brakes on myself or just recognize that if that’s my tendency, that’s not what I should be doing.

And looking for people who are also

thoughtful and willing to give and, and like warm in

that kind of sense. so yeah, definitely it’s on my mind. It’s on my mind constantly.

No, I’m

kidding. I’m

kidding. I’m kidding.

I,

I think, um, the, I’ve heard the saying, like, if they wanted to, they would for years. And it’s always just been like, Oh yeah, that’s the thing that people say or

think.

But in recent years, just being, that’s been at the forefront of my mind a lot.

And

I always think I’m like, Oh, okay. Like, and I catch myself like if I wanted to, I would too.

So I just always be honest with yourself. And. You’ll find people that want to so if you find that

you’re

saying that to yourself and you’re getting a negative feeling about it

Maybe

you move on

you

try being open and honest about it first because maybe They’re just at a 20, and you need them at, like, you need them a 50 50 on certain things.

But I think, be honest and don’t be afraid to admit it to yourself, and then you can get the relationship you want. Because it might just be that they, they don’t want to,

or

they are looking for another parent away from home, and like, that’s where the whole, like, I’m not your mom, I’m not gonna do all these things for you.

You’ll find people, like, I [00:22:00] know like a good one to talk about Lauren, just in a friendship is, Lauren shows up,

comes to

your house with treats, presents, gifts, a cute little thing. Very much like does the most for people. And I’ve learned that about Lauren. I’m like, Oh, I’m going to do a little bit extra. It makes me want to kind of match the energy and be better in that way.

And

it

also makes me respect Lauren more because I know that Lauren has asked me for things or is not afraid to delegate as well. So it’s like, Oh, you. You want to do this, but you’re not going to get walked on and it’s, and it’s the difference of, I know you called yourself a people pleaser

in the podcast before and I was like,

I like I’m like, okay, I can see why, why you would think that.

 I don’t think

you’re, you’re,

as like lay down and take it as a lot of people pleasers

might admit to be. So, um, yeah, that was my, my, takeaway from you saying you were a people pleaser. Cause I, I, think you’re very well adjusted on how much you want to do for people.

But

maybe

you used to do that more in romantic relationships, like the people pleasing.

And then now you recognize that you’re like, Hey, this is a friendship that I like, a really care about. And I care, and I know what he likes

and I’m, and I think about these things that he’s going to like. So I bring this over. So it’s part of, it’s part of. Growing that relationship you do, you do know is reciprocal

sure

And

each each relationship is different it’s like with with Nick it’s like yeah, the limit doesn’t exist. We know we’re always gonna

Yeah. And

even if it’s one week you, Yeah.

One week. You doing more for him another week when he, you need him.

He is gonna be there. Yeah.

the

I think reciprocity

or

acts

of service or our different love language the There’s different seasons of them, and that’s the, that’s some of the most beautiful things about, I mean, you know, Nick and my friendship goes, is going on, what is it, 18, can it vote yet?

Yes, it can

vote.

Uh, going

on 18 years, and so, over the course of that amount of time, you just, you, you, Build up

this

trust and

knowing and yeah,

it’s

it’s okay If [00:24:00] yeah.

you’re

able to meet them wherever they’re

Mm-Hmm. ,

yeah in in relationships. I mean those are You know, have been much shorter term for me, , but it’s, it’s

definitely been really fun to be in a relationship now where

I

don’t have to

think about those things as much because I do feel more similar to what I’ve learned from relationships like the one I have with Nick or different family members and things

like that, that

when someone does want

to show up

and find the things that work for you.

Mm hmm. You have the big difference I’ve even noticed in my own comment as well, is it’s like,

this

is a friendship versus a romantic relationship

and romantic

relationships. We might.

set aside some of ourselves a little bit more readily and do those things and fit in those boxes

to, to please the person more, um, and with a friendship, there’s still high stakes, but you, you don’t lose yourself as much maybe. Um, but it comes down to having the right expectations for what you want based on what you’re giving,

what

you

want to receive back. Um, and the number one word I saw in a video as well is like

consideration

is like the number one, um, metric of seeing if a relationship will be successful. And I’m just like, that’s what I’m, was really, Lauren is very considerate.

It’ll be like, Oh, by the way, there’s this concert you love. We’re going, you’re free. I already have tickets for you. It’s like, those are like, I feel very considered in this friendship with Lauren. And it’s also in this relationship with, with Josh is I just, I’ve never felt more considered and truly just like

cared

about and noticed and, and loved.

So

That’s a really good

way to consideration. Yeah.

Because then feeling

seen

or thought about in the decisions that your partner’s making about things, are you included? Are they

thinking

of you when they’re planning their? Time out. Even if like, in whatever ways the fact that you feel like you’ve, been considerate.

I really like that.

I think too, as um, as your friend and seeing you and knowing [00:26:00] that Josh is such a considerate person, the amount of ease it brings when like our people are in relationships where you know their partners or even their inner circle or their friends have their back is just, what a

Yeah, it’s a sense of peace

for sure.

peace for

Any decision you make in a relationship with someone,

you

can probably think, is there a way that this decision could be a little bit more considerate?

I’m

sure you can always think of a way that it could be more considerate, and then like, that would be a good compass to steer towards as well

if

you truly care about that person.

So that’s, that’s a big word I’ve been keeping in my mind lately is consider that person.

Keep

the decisions a dialogue as opposed to just making them yourself and, and,

just

go that extra step to consider them.

love that.

Yeah. Brooklyn is

being very considered right now. Just like, what?

I don’t know. It’s funny. Yeah, we laugh

about it. But,

you

know, if we don’t show up for

even in our animals and like

they will, Brooklyn will,

if Brooklyn needs a walk

and I’ve, you

know,

been

late or whatever, Brooklyn will let me know.

And I actually, uh, appreciate that. I’m like, Oh, you need to walk. Let me

give you this thing that like, it’s such like a simple thing.

But. It’s

all, all of our relationships.

There’s this,

this give and take and play

of like meeting each other’s needs

and like showing up for

one another.

You can see people’s.

Attachment styles sometimes in their relationships to their animals.

Yes.

I’ve, Yes.

I’ve, I’ve

been

there where, like I, so my dog, um,

who passed away last year, Gus, he, uh, was like the sweetest dog. And, uh, and so in tune with me. And just always like, like there’d be times I’d be in the living room and I’d say to my daughter, I’m like, is he staring at me right now?

And

she’s like, yes, like I’d be trying not to, cause he was just like, like mom, mom, like just trying to do

something

with me, you know? And I could just feel his eyes burning into my, [00:28:00] into

my

soul. , uh, you know, always asking, he had a little walk button that he’d press

when he wanted to go for walks, but like we’d just come home from a walk, and then he’d press it and kind of look at me and be

like, can we

Yeah, like, he’d be like

Can

we, again? I would do, you know, I would do anything for him. Like I,

You

know,

put

his needs very much first, but at a certain point, there’d be times when I actually wasn’t learning a lesson for me too, because let’s say I was gone for a long time and then I come home and I was just like, I really need to eat and I know you really need a walk and maybe early on when I had him, I’d like do the walk first and then later on I was like, dude, I need to eat

and

then I will be good and my needs will be met and we will go for a better walk

because I will.

Yeah.

mask

Yeah, you know, so exactly.

Right. And so that was like a learning curve. But I’ve seen I’ve seen, some people’s dynamics and with their animals were clearly

the

owner’s needs are first and it’s like, I’ll deal with you way later. Um, and that felt like a very different

dynamic

than what I had

with my dog.

There should be a dating show where you get to watch people with their dogs.

There’s

something

here. Yeah,

Yeah,

there is definitely something here. Yeah, yeah.

pets, animals in

general.

I think when, like, even in that story where like Brooklyn will come to you and let you know, you’re learning more about Brooklyn’s needs and then you respect them more.

But it’s because you want to and you consider Brooklyn and you love. So

I

think if someone lets you know their needs and you’re not inclined to want to do better, you kind of know that they’re not the person for you or the dog for you or what it is because your motivations aren’t there. So it’s a,

it’s

a big thing for me.

It’s you learn to respect people more when The reciprocity is happening.

You, you learn, okay, I know more about them.

I

feel

more empowered

and I

respect them for showing me.

That’s a, That’s a,

sign of healthy relationships that I’ve always come back to.

I, don’t know how Brooklyn knows this, but like, [00:30:00] we’ll go out on the weekend.

And Brooklyn is very routine, loves

to get up in the morning,

whatever. And somehow, it’s probably because we come home

late. But,

and like, when she lets

us sleep in, um, after a night

out or something like that. Oof, I I love her so much.

Keep it up, Brooks.

But

yeah, that’s a good point that you make, too, there, about being able to, to own what you need. Like, there is, you are,

Being

able to do that shows that you know what you need, and it shows that you know you deserve to have that need

know your worth. Yeah. Yeah.

Because you’re in the relationship too. It should be very much about making your life more joyful. And just as much as you want to make their life more joyful,

it’s, you

should be getting the exact same

kind

of vibes about that as well.

Thanks

for this therapy

I

I really

needed it.

Of course.

 This has been another episode of Dear Queer. Just a reminder, we are not actually experts. Any advice given should actually come from our experts who we will bring in from time to time.

Music brought to you by Sean Patrick Brennan, produced by myself, Lauren Hogarth, and your host as always, Alena Papayanis I’m cutting that.