Question Corner

[00:00:00]

I feel like I’m the wrong person to ask this question.

Why? What would you,

I don’t know. I

feel

like I, I know.

This week, we are doing a few listener questions. We’ve got our fave guest back in the hot seat who, uh, I might be a little bit biased towards, , welcome Dev Matthews.

Hey y’all.

And, uh, if you like this episode, you too can have your, Dev Matthews. Questions answered by a ragtag bunch of highly skilled queers. Uh, what we lack in actual expertise, we make up for in experience and blind confidence, , to send us your questions.

Just find us on Instagram, dear. queer. podcast. So let’s get right into those questions. I’ve got some that don’t necessarily fit with a theme, but, uh, yeah, does that work for y’all?

Yeah.

A big mash up episode, a little

Yeah, why not? Uh, okay. Hi dear queer, she’s a person in their mid twenties. My girlfriend thinks she might be asexual and only just romantic towards me. I love her and I want to support her through everything, but it’s getting hard to go without my needs being met. What can slash should I do?

Interesting.

Do we need to define asexual?

Go for it.

I mean, I don’t want to provide a proper definition of asexuality, especially as a non asexual person, but I think that asexuality is a spectrum. There’s like, multiple versions of asexuality, where people feel varied degrees of sexual, from zero to

hypersexual. [00:02:00] Asexual

Yeah. yeah, asexual to hypersexual, but there’s lots of people in between who feel gray ace or other aces.

Yeah.

I don’t know what their ace is. I know gray is, I’m sure there’s a million other

aces, but, um,

Well

I feel like the three of us are probably a little bit elder queer because I feel like the asexual component of the, um, gay agenda, which we are all love came a little bit

have older versions of the agenda on our

feel like the

The agenda’s a bit

outdated.

updated one.

the

If you’re a youth and want to come on Dear Queer and talk about

asexuality, Yeah,

sure Elena and Lauren would love to

Um, I mean, I feel like the first step with any of the answers here is always to have this, the conversation needs to be had.

in the combo? What’s the meat and potatoes of the combo? Is it tofu

have needs that they need to let them know that they feel like they’re not being met and then they can decide,

they can have a conversation about.

how that’s going to, those needs are going to get met. And maybe it’s inside the relationship with, in some creative ways, or maybe it’s outside of the relationship in a consensual way.

Creativity is a great way to approach it because I think, I think what’s a bummer for, this is me stereotyping heteronormativity, but like, In Queerland, you get to, , reimagine and, like, maybe you have other partners, maybe you get to have your needs, have your needs met elsewhere, , there’s, , some definite room for creativity to be brought into, if you want to, if they both want to, you know, make this relationship work.

Yeah, I think that some, like, I think that because of the way that our society has, um, demonized and stigmatized Uh, also [00:04:00] amplified sex. I think that conversations about sexuality or about sexual intimacy are like really weighted and like feel very intense.

Um, And I think that this type of conversation or like dealing with this type of, , ask or boundary or whatever it may be is like any other, it’s like you need to know how to tell your partner that you need something and then find a compromise. And I think it could be like, Oh, I want to go visit my family every month.

And your partner’s like, I don’t want to do that. I can’t. fly every month and we don’t have the money for it and then you have you engage in this dialogue where you compromise and you find a solution that works for both of you and it is probably neither like thing I think the unique thing is that you would obviously you can’t compromise on

And so, like, an asexual person who literally doesn’t want to have sex and cannot have sex in a comfortable way can’t, compromise on having sex when they don’t want to.

And so I think that, um, that’s where it becomes, okay, can we compromise on the other person finding sex outside of the relationship? Or, on, like, Maybe, like I, I’ve heard other podcasts that give sex advice talk about um, how potentially like you know, masturbation or like other ways of supporting each other in an intimate sexual way but without sexual intercourse can support that kind of thing.

So I think it’s about not compromising. I imagine if I was ace I would feel like I can’t compromise on this. This is like who I am, so don’t make me do something I can’t or won’t do, but it doesn’t have to. That doesn’t have to be the grounds on which you compromise. That can be like a boundary and then you can create other compromises If that makes

Okay, nailed it also, it

masturbation on your

podcast. Is that illegal?

Okay. I was like,

masturbate.

note

I’m gonna get a, a spicy note [00:06:00] from Alana. This, well, November, when you did your solo episode, you told me that it was spicy.

have to,

So now this is, we’re gonna have to, you know, demark this as

spicy Yeah.

Caliente episode.

Just because I said

I don’t know.

Hi, dear queer. I’m struggling to find my person. All of my friends are coupled up and I go on lots of dates, but I’m just not finding someone. People are often interested in going on dates with me. Um, but when it comes to anything long term, I think I’m too much of a feelings guy too soon. How do I attract the right person who will appreciate my sensitive side?

How did you get my letter, Lauren?

you get my

I did not write

that.

Lauren?

but the whole time I was thinking of saying that joke. Like, ever since, like, one

I actually don’t

know what you said.

actually don’t know what it my Okay, well, uh, I think we, we, Dev is in the literal hot seat. What should Alena do? I mean, dear

Yeah.

I don’t know, my, maybe this is like bad advice, but just like be who you are. If you’re a feelings boy, be a feelings boy. I think investigating and questioning whether That is out of a place of like, trying to push something, or a desire to have something filled that you’re not getting elsewhere, is like a useful investigation to have.

Um, but also,

I don’t know, like, if that’s who you are, and that’s how you approach intimacy, then I guess just be patient and you will find someone who mirrors that or the right person will find that in you and and be okay with it or love it. Um, but also I think that like with anything in life things it usually doesn’t go well.

Um, and when you kind of relinquish control and like allow things to happen things become easier. So I think maybe like not overthinking it. And if you really like someone and you’re on like date [00:08:00] two, just be like, Oh, what a pleasure it is to like, get to know this person. And like, how cool will it be if this develops, but I’m not going to like rest my head on it.

Like, I’m just going to like, let it

be. Yeah, Yeah, I agree. I think that’s smart. It’s like,

The kind of the first part that you said about investigating the nature of the emotions, like if it is from a place of insecurity or trying to speed things up, I think that is really smart because sometimes that is where it’s coming from, like a loneliness or

a,

yeah, you’re trying to accelerate it into something that it’s just not ready to be yet.

or if it’s just a feelings guy in terms of you express yourself a lot and how you’re feeling and that might just scare people away who are not the right people anyways, because they, they’re not comfortable for whatever reason with you expressing yourself. so yeah, I think that was good advice

yeah.

Oh, that’s good. That’s good to hear. I think,

gotta, that’s gotta be a little

three

while. Yeah. I think, okay, for me, I think it’s more about three I think it’s like, One.

are

you investigating those feelings and ensuring that they’re authentic?

Two, is the other person mirroring the feelings that you have in an authentic

way?

And three, are you listening to like the cues within the dynamic between the two of you and not the external cues or like external pressures? And I think if you can honestly say, Okay. Okay. two weeks in, three dates in, that you’re like, whoa, I have huge feelings.

But this person is mirroring those feelings back to me and I feel like my feelings are authentic and they seem to be authentically in touch with their feelings and are giving me only red, sorry, only green flags, green flags. Um, then Like, express them. Because there’s like, I don’t know, our first date was an entire weekend.

And, like, by the end of the weekend, we were writing each other little stupid love notes and being like, not [00:10:00] saying I love you, but like little cutesy notes, and being like, like I texted Lauren, I miss you. And we’d only spent three days together, but it was like that was our first date. So it’s like I think that that’s okay because of the dynamic that we’d created within within this little vacuum of our

space.

If you know, you

space Um,

if you know, you know, but it’s also like Yeah, people I definitely feel like people have a tendency to Create a future with someone in their head.

And then like, be shocked when it doesn’t transpire. But it’s like, I think that’s what the questioning of yourself and the other person is.

Mm hmm.

like it. Yeah.

Alright, one more for ya. Ready?

Ready.

How do I tell a friend in my queer friend group that I’m interested in them? Friends and dating always seem to overlap for me, and I don’t want to be the pervy friend who only goes for folks in our group. But I have always really liked this person, and they are, for the first time in a while, not dating anyone.

Sorry, I laughed right into the mic

That’s all right.

We’ve said pervy and masturbation on this episode, so, chili pep.

they don’t want to be the pervy friend, but they have a crush

And like, you know, opportunity, opportunity is upon them.

I feel like I’m the wrong person to ask this question.

Why? What would you,

I don’t know. I

feel

like I, I know. And I feel like, I feel like I’m always kind of

of

about that.

It’s a, it’s a

and a lot more people, a lot, I don’t know, I just feel like

there’s people who are way more comfortable with it.

with it.

, there’s some people who are so good at like, oh, maybe we’ll be friends, maybe we’ll be, you know, more than friends and can like [00:12:00] walk into that and out of it very well, and I don’t know that I’m one of those people. Do

you date in a friend group?

don’t

right now. Um, No, I’ve The only, like, relationships I’ve been in have been

that I met. I mean, that’s not entirely true. Most of the time it’s someone that I meet and then they become the friend, like they are in the friend group because we’re dating.

Um,

entirely different.

I guess like my first like big adult relationship after my high school relationship was with someone who was in my friend group. Um, and I think it just became like self evident. I think that what my advice would be is like, I think you only feel pervy perhaps because you maybe are flirting and not getting it back or like being, like you’re, you’re giving energy and then the person’s giving you friendship.

And I think If there’s a mutual crush, it will just transpire into flirtiness and then you will, one of you will have the conversation. But like, I don’t know, maybe I’m too careful, but like, I would never initiate a conversation about that with someone without thinking they have a crush on me. Like, they, I know that they’re flirting with me.

I am aware that they are interested, and we are both not, neither one of us is saying it, like, Tag, you’re it. I’m gonna say something. That is the only situation in which I would do that, and that’s what I did in that other dynamic.

it in not

like a, like, if you can do

I think also if you can do it in not like a. Like if you can do it in a way that doesn’t seem like you’re really going out of your way to do it maybe try and find a way to put yourself in a situation where it’s just the two of you or like can you walk [00:14:00] them to the subway or like try and like Find those more like one on one moment.

Yeah, I think that’s a good idea because I think that there are things that we, there’s like intimacy in friendships, um, but like, I don’t know, there are few people in my life who I would be like, like few friends in my life who I would be like, Oh, like let me drive you to the airport or like, let me walk you like to your mom’s house for dinner or like whatever, like that kind of

thing.

So some gestures to

like I think that those friends that I do do that with are like family to me. They’re like people that I take care of in a different type of way. Um, and I think that, like, not to hierarchize friendship, but it’s just, like, a different intimacy of, like, how we know each other. Like, we’re there in, like, the day to day life of things, right?

And I think that if that friend that you have a crush on is not that type of friend, like, doing little things like that could, that could maybe have the person be like, Whoa, that’s, like, very, like, why are they maybe doing that? Make them be, like, Maybe they have a crush on me and then maybe start the flirt, you know, like just offering nice things

Um, I mean, I think that’s what I did to you.

did you do to

me?

me? Oh, do we need another, uh, pepper here?

when

Yeah.

No, I just, I remember Haley like, kind of joking about, you had left something in my car after we went on, like, a hike with, like, Porter or something like that and I, like, went out of my way to, like, drive it to you and then, dropped you a, birthday card.

like

a

like, so it was a little more than I would do

we were, we were, we were quote unquote

friends. Yeah.

But I left my sunglasses in Lauren’s car and Lauren lived in Hyde Park and I lived in in the East End, and for non Toronto people, you don’t just drop something off in the East End when you live in a high park.

It’s far, and so the fact that Lauren,, drove during the middle of the, like, the work day to drop just my sunglasses off when I was like, I don’t really need

them.

Lauren’s like [00:16:00] it’s a sunny day

though.

like,

sweetie, it’s February.

going on a weekend

I know, but it was February. You had a crush on me and you wanted to bring me my glasses, which is cute, but

Yeah, it works. I’m just saying

But friends, like, not all friends do that.

I,

love my friends, but I wouldn’t drive to the East End to drop off a pair of sunglasses

on a

what I’m saying. This person needs to just find like a little, I mean, I love a gesture. So

Yeah, you’re a big, you’re a big acts acts of service

Yeah.

In. Okay.

That’s

good. Unless

else we want to talk about?

I think we actually nailed those questions. So good job, everyone. Should we make this a regular episode?

Question corner.

Thanks for joining us on Dear Queer Dev.

Thanks for having me. I love it here.

Come back soon!

Bye.

Have a good week! This has been another episode of Dear Queer. Just a reminder, we are not actually experts. Any advice given should actually come from our experts who we will bring in from time to time.

Music brought to you by Sean Patrick Brennan, produced by myself, Lauren Hogarth, and your host as always, Alena Papayanis I’m cutting that.