Loneliness

[00:00:00] it’s definitely, Yeah, loneliness, alone, being alone is a

Yes. But

But loneliness is the

Right. That’s a

they don’t, they don’t have to be one and the same and they’re not one and the same​

2023 has been a tough year for me. On the one hand, I was still recovering from COVID, not the virus, but the lockdown. Going through it as a single parent to an only child was one of the most difficult phases of my life, and it hasn’t been an immediate recovery. And more recently, I went through a breakup and then had a very sick dog to take care of and later make the heartbreaking decision to put down.

All while trying to function as an adult and a mother. It was a lot to go through on my own, and I found myself feeling quite lonely at times. I almost didn’t admit this, though, because I kind of hated the fact that I had dipped back into loneliness. I’ve done so much healing over the years to undo a narrative I developed from a young age, where I equated being alone with being lonely.

I first noticed it when I started having split custody of my daughter about a handful of years ago. After I’d drop her off with her dad, I’d return to the emptiness, not only in the house, but an emptiness I felt inside me. Up until that point, motherhood had meant that for years, I was never alone, and I had taken some comfort in that feeling of always being needed.

This recent dip back into loneliness worried me, because I’ve actually come to love being alone, sometimes choosing it over seeing other people. But I’ve learned that loneliness [00:02:00] is a very natural thing. Humans are wired for connection. Even introverts like me who can find a place to be alone, even at the busiest party.

This was one of the many lessons that COVID taught us too. People can’t live without people for too long. Our souls suffer just like the human body can’t go without water for too long. People need connection with other people. Loneliness is just our brain’s way of reminding us this and of telling us that our heart and soul can get a little thirsty too.

I don’t know if it makes sense at but

I feel like I don’t even know where to start with this one. You just shared so much. It was like Yeah, um I’m at a loss.

Yeah, that’s okay. I mean, it’s been on my, obviously it’s been on my mind. I feel more so in the last year because of all these things.

Because I even noticed when I was going through, like for example when my dog was sick and everything, there were just times when people made assumptions that I had a partner who was there. Like, like at the vet’s office, literally, you know, I’m there with my sick dog alone and the vet passes me a big estimate.

It’s like, well, you know, take a few minutes to talk it over. And I was just like, with who? Like with my sick dog right here? Or with the invisible person beside me? You know, like, who is this invisible person you’re imagining that I’m going to discuss this with? Because it’s really just only me trying to figure this out.

And, , and just other instances where people made assumptions That I had some partner who was supporting me. And, and so it was moments like that, that, I mean, I guess partly it’s the assumption that is annoying and to a degree, and also there’s probably like, there’s tons of single people out there.

It’s not, it’s a weird assumption to, to assume that you’re, that you’re partnered, but it just made me really notice. [00:04:00] The difference that it can make in your life when you’re like, this would be not, I mean, easier, I feel more supported, whatever the words you want to use, if there was that person who like, I didn’t have to explain this to, like I had people in my life, but You have to catch them up on everything.

Right. But if there’s someone there who knows what you’re going through, you’re not catching them up because they know it, they see it, they’re there. You know?

I wonder with the people kind of assuming partnerness, or that you have someone there, is it more for, so they feel, okay, there’s a support system. Like, what, I wonder what it says about loneliness and

you are not alone. Yeah, or maybe even

there? You know, I think, um, like loneliness can, like the negative effects of it. And it’s like, Okay, you’re already going through this loss. Oh, I hope you’re also not feeling

Right

yeah, I think loneliness, like I said, it truly kind of, Yeah.

Yeah. Became more in my awareness, , when I no longer had my daughter as reliant on me. And I think that’s a pretty common thing for mothers to a certain degree is this kind of you lose yourself in motherhood a little bit, at least at the beginning, because they do need you all the time. And I mean, they’re like I said, there was some comfort in that probably because I liked that feeling on some subconscious level of, of being needed.

So that was this awareness where suddenly I’m like, Oh, okay, this is me and it’s only me now and what am I gonna do with myself? And, uh, at first it was quite, a weird space because I wanted to fill it. I wanted to fill it with other people. It felt, yep, [00:06:00] it felt empty. And, I, I’ve done a lot of reflecting on how from a young age I really did equate being alone with being lonely.

And I distinctively remember how I Got this message and I there might have been other ways too, but I I remember so I’m a youngest child My two older siblings are quite a bit older than me. So I’d often just be playing on my own and I’d be fine but I remember my mom sometimes coming over and saying things like oh I wish you’d been a twin and then you would have had someone to play with and so I was getting the message that I was missing something, that there, that I should feel bad almost for myself because I’m alone.

And so that had, that was a message that I, I think I really, you know, internalized and it became this, this ongoing connection between being alone and being lonely, whereas

at its core is solitude and it can be a

very peaceful

can be like a, yeah, we think there, there’s other words on the other side of that.

It’s like, Oh, independence or , if you’re able to entertain yourself and like, those are positive qualities and yet it’s just all in, in whose filter it’s coming through. I think, and it’s, I think it’s interesting you touch on something about, you know, loneliness and is coming up when you, um, You know, we’re solo parenting and doing that type of thing, but I think there, I think people forget too that there is so much lonely, there can be at least so much loneliness in partnership or in group settings or like, I’m, you know, you’ve talked about, coming into your queerness and like, I’m sure there were times in that that felt super lonely when you were figuring it out on your own and like.

It doesn’t just necessarily mean like physically being alone.

 Yeah, loneliness, alone, being alone is a

Yes. But

But [00:08:00] loneliness is the

Right. That’s a

they don’t, they don’t have to be one and the same and they’re not one and the same, but, and I guess the thing with loneliness is there’s also such a stigma attached to it, which makes it hard for people to admit to it and to talk about it. But luckily it is in the news a lot lately.

Yeah, I feel like it’s, uh, a lot more people are talking about it and it’s, do we, is it, is it more common or what do you,

I think there’s just more conversation about it in the same way that we’ve opened up conversation about mental health in new ways in the, in the previous, you know, in these recent years than, than there has been in the past.

I think the same thing is happening with loneliness. And in fact, so I was, I heard a couple experts talking on the CBC about it very recently. And there’s, yeah, yeah, exactly. And there’s also now the WHO has designated loneliness as a global public health concern and they even have an international commission on social connection that’s being put together to research it and find solutions to the problem.

If you remember the media personality and sex expert, Dr. Ruth, , Westheimer. Yeah, Dr. Ruth. She is also New York’s ambassador to loneliness now. And it’s, you know, somewhat an honorary role, but it’s also really significant because it’s bringing the issue of loneliness into the forefront, which again, I think, A lot of people don’t want to admit they’re lonely.

I did find a survey too from 2021 statistics. Canada found that more than 40 percent of Canadians feel lonely sometime or all of the time with the problem worse among single people and those who live alone.

time. The is worse among single people and those who live alone. Why is that a problem? Why is it so bad? I know it doesn’t feel good, and like, this is kind of a [00:10:00] basic question, but like, what is, like, what is it that is so detrimental, like?

so it is, I find, I found some facts kind, kind of surprising that I learned about its impact on us

Uh huh.

and I don’t, I, so I’m a bit almost hesitant to say these because it’s one of those things where, for example,

as someone who goes through bouts of insomnia. The worst thing for me sometimes is to listen to sleep experts. Tell me how bad it is for me that I don’t sleep. So similarly, I don’t want people to take this as like, Oh no, if I, if it has this negative effect on my health to be lonely, then.

You know, this is going to be terrible for me. Hopefully, if anything, it’ll just be encouragement to reach out when you are feeling lonely. But it does,

 increase some of our health risks. It is apparently, this, as for, for comparison, it increases the risk of, um, premature death as much as smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day.

Fif Okay, this is a good time to say we are not experts. Um, this

Yes, and this is all taken from a report that I

found.

But yes, it increases the risk of premature death, it’s associated with increased risk of disease, including heart disease, risk of stroke, things like anxiety, depression, dementia, as well as susceptibility to viruses and respiratory illnesses.

Overall, it’s like basically suppressing our our physiological functions in our immune system, right, which we know happens with a lot of, mental health issues as well, right? So it’s, it’s that brain body connection. And if anything, I think this is just more reason to recognize that it is a concern and that there are things we can do about it.

and I’ve got to imagine it goes back to our kind of You know, animal instincts, I guess, of like we are, uh, you know, a species that needs that community connection.

, we pair up, we go

social bonding [00:12:00] is a part of who we

queer community has been something that’s been like, so important in my life. And like, we, we just intrinsically seek those things out. And so if you’re getting those little loneliness pangs, it’s like, Oh, you need to increase that the same way as if you’re tired or thirsty.

It’s like, Oh, your body needs water. It’s like something about us as humans craves that connection, even if we are introverted or any of that

Yeah. And that’s the reframing I think is so important.. And, So the other thing I think that is making this conversation more, more applicable today is just the use of social media and technology that we have access to.

You would think that we would feel more connected because we have more ways of connecting, but. A lot of research shows that it’s truly about the way we use those technologies. So for example, if we are posting to social media in a way that’s very kind of broadcasty and just out to people, not, you know, very generalized and it’s not.

resulting in engagement with people on conversations, then that can make us feel more lonely than, for example, communicating in more targeted personal ways on social media, like where you’re actually connecting with people, having conversations with people, and also making plans to see people in real life.

Because it can just feel, it can, it can increase feelings of isolation rather than, um, resolve them. Um, if we’re not actually.

Totally.

I think, I remember, and I don’t know if this is, I think this could be technology related, but I remember I was going to school in New York and I remember being on the subway a lot and feeling like, Oh, I’m in this busy place, but I didn’t really know anyone and that like, I never felt more alone than in this big city and it’s like, you look around on the subway or when, and everyone’s just on their phones.

And so the technology I think is also, you know, a barrier because it gives you a place to tune out [00:14:00] instead of, you know, tuning in and looking around and, you know, maybe having that glance or engaging with, you know, the people who are around

And it’s also a distraction for those feelings of feeling, of feeling lonely or feeling isolated. We can still feel like we’re being entertained or we’re looking at something and that’s occupying our brains, you know, momentarily. But exactly like you said, it doesn’t lead to feelings of connection. If anything, it distracts us from feelings of not being

not being connected. Right. Well, shall we, shall we dive into some questions?

Yes. Okay. , let’s start. Hi there. I came out as a lesbian during the pandemic and have begun meeting lots of queer folks in my community. There are so many clubs and organizations these days. It’s amazing. I’m always meeting new people, but I still feel like I am just catching up after coming out a bit later in life.

I don’t feel like I fit in my community. How can I be meeting so many people and still feel so alone? I feel like this is perfect for you. Later in life. Can’t like, there’s Yes, I’m

Yes, I can fully relate to this. Because you also feel, especially if you are older than the people you tend to see out and about, or the people who are going, they’re kind of at the same stage as you, but at a different age than you.

So that can naturally make you feel a little out of place. It can also make you feel like you have a lot of acquaintances, but not a lot of friends.

and that can feel lonely too because you’re you’re wondering, you know, I know all these people but I don’t feel it’s like the difference between knowing

people and feeling bonded to

Right. it’s like you go out and you see people, you recognize them, you’re friendly, but you’re like, I mean, there’s people we go out and I’m like, I don’t even know what you do for

Totally, yeah.

Right?

It’s like, you’re not the person I’m inviting over to watch

[00:16:00] Yeah. Yeah, so it’s, you know, that kind of small talk can also feel I know small talk can be

painful for introverts especially, and uh, so that’s not That’s kind of discouraging.

It doesn’t make you want to, or because it, there’s like a certain threshold you have to pass with a person to feel like you’re friends with them, right? And sometimes it’s hard to get to that point, especially if you’re only seeing people, you know, piecemeal here and there and not really getting time to, to dive a little deeper.

What does this person do though?

I need a refresh on that

that question. Okay. Well, they’re, they’re basically saying like, they’re out in community, but still feel lonely within it.

 I mean, the hope is that you will start to find those few people who you feel closer to and you feel like you can feel more bonded to, right?

And have more things in common with. And maybe it’ll be, you know, one person from one club, one person from another, or maybe just randomly you’ll come across a person and, and really hit it off. So, yeah. I

think you hit on it though, too,, you can not feel close to them.

And I think maybe that’s what this person is, is talking about is like, okay, they do know a lot of people, but I think they need to take that kind of uncomfortable or like, You know, more vulnerable step and put themself out there,

That’s totally right.

and like, you know, maybe find the person who’s also off on their own and like, you know, introduce yourself or be like, Hey, do you want to come hang out?

Or

Yes. Like I did with you and

Oh, look at that.

Yeah. Which I will save that. I will save one story for another episode about, about you and Dev,

I was going to say like, who, who wooed who?

no, it was one of those things where I was having a backyard party and I was having some people over and I was just like, I want to invite Lauren and Dev.

I feel like I get a good vibe from them. Good energy and I don’t know them very well and I was gonna invite them and then you two [00:18:00] came and it was

It was so fun. Yeah,

It was

and it’s just one of those things where I was like, I feel like you might be my people So I’m gonna test it out and see but it’s it’s true It does take that leap to make that first move and it is a vulnerable thing to put yourself out there even as a friend even in the hopes of a friendship because Yeah, it’s just a vulnerable thing to do.

But I mean, being the invitee, like, it feels so good, you’re like, Oh, they want me to hang out? I’m in! Yeah,

so

I think you’re absolutely right. It’s about taking that extra step to find those few people that you do feel more connected to, and you can find a little, sort of, crew of friends.

Yeah. Do you want to try another one?

Yeah.

 I’m just gonna dive into it. When I was a teenager, I quickly learned that I wasn’t quite like my other female friends. Standard tomboy stuff. They were into boys, I was hanging out with the guys, etc. I soon put it together that I was gay and felt even more isolated. I didn’t trust their that I would be accepted.

Cut to today. I’m out, have a great friend group, my family’s been mostly supportive, and yet I still don’t feel like I can always be myself with them. I still feel isolated from my family, like they love me, but they don’t actually know me.

This is so tr I totally, um, I totally understand this. I feel like sometimes, and this might not be everybody’s, situation, but there’s just a level of acceptance around how much your family will ever know you.

If they’re, regardless of how, well, unless they’re fully, accepting and truly, like, making an effort to really get to know you, there’s always gonna be some areas about you that they don’t, that they don’t understand or they don’t know. Especially if they’re not engaging with your queer friends or that, that part of your community, then there’s always gonna be some spots that they just [00:20:00] don’t know about you or some, you know, aspects of you they just don’t

We, we all want that, um, acceptance and I think, I think sometimes we forget that it’s a two way track and that we can like, okay, my family accepts me, but like we want more than that. Yes. But your act of love can be accepting them for who they are and you meet them there and vice versa. Yeah. And then you get to go and create your, your version of

Totally. You find that, that, those extra levels of love and acceptance

Smurf. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Alright. Okay, we’re staying, we’re staying on family. Okay. Uh, must be because the holidays are coming up. It’s on the mind. I’m dreading going home for the holidays. I always miss my queer, see, here we go. I always miss my queer family. They just don’t get me. Any tips? So just a, you know, a little tip question. I

interesting.

I mean, while you’re visiting family, it would probably Help you to make plans to stay connected to your queer friends, even whether it’s a phone call, like while you’re, while you’re off going on a walk to escape your family home for a bit, you have a phone call with, with one of your besties, right? One of your queer besties, and just talk about how you’re probably both going through the same thing right now, or some uncomfortable family conversation at the dinner table you had to suffer through, or whatever it is.

And then, It’s about, I don’t know, I think there’s just, you have a lot of choice in the matter, right? Whether it’s just you go into it, like you were saying, where you just accept where they’re at, and you know kind of the limitations, or maybe you’re in a place where you do offer a bit more of yourself. I would just be finding any alone time I could in order to recharge, recalibrate, and kind of, uh,

Download all your favorite queer, new queer podcasts and others.

I mean, anything, honestly, anything physical helps, like anything to get [00:22:00] you in your body too, because when I find at least when I’m overall I’m distressed, I can feel heavy and tired and sure, like you might need to sleep and nap and things like that too, but fresh air, walking, I just feel like it, it does wonders in terms of just Recharging you and kind of letting you get rid of some of those negative

of letting you get rid of some of those negative feelings. Yeah, I think what you said is like maintaining those connections with your friends while they’re gone, because they’re probably doing the same things, or like, not everyone goes home to families, so maybe, you know, reaching out even more so to the people in your community and like keeping those connections going.

Mm hmm. Crying if

you need to.

yeah.

Okay, I like this question. What should you do if you think a friend might be lonely and you don’t want to bug them?

Oh, bug them. Right? That’s not bugging at all. No, if they’re lonely, they might be too shy to reach out or they might

feel like

uncomfortable because, as we were saying, loneliness has had a stigma around

it.

Actually, this leads me to another point I wanted to bring up around reframing loneliness.

Oh, okay, great.

Um, this expert on CBC I was listening to, he was He was saying how, he was comparing it to thirst and how, you know, you wouldn’t feel ashamed if you were thirsty. Right. So, similarly we shouldn’t feel ashamed when we’re lonely because it is also a very natural human need.

Yeah.

Yeah, but it can be such like a vulnerable thing to like reach out and do

be. It can be and that’s why if you’re the person noticing or wondering about if someone is lonely. Yeah. You would be doing them a help to, to reach out and offer, or just ask them how they’re doing or ask them if they want to hang out or something.

Um, because they might be having a hard time saying that. [00:24:00] And on the other end, if you are that person who is feeling lonely, there are ways. Actually, I, I reached out to a friend a while ago who had invited me to something and it was great and I went. And then afterwards I was like. Thanks so much for the invite.

I have been feeling a bit lonely lately, so I really appreciated that.

Positive reinforcement.

It was like, I really, and just acknowledging that that was meaningful to me, and please any invites are welcome, you know? Because it’s true,

if you have good boundaries, you can say no to those

right? But at least you know the door is open, and so it is not a bother at all to reach out to someone who you suspect is feeling lonely.

I feel like they would really appreciate that, because it also means To them that you’re kind of tuned into

I think we can feel like, um, you know, you have to go out or to the movies or dinner or drinks and all these things. But like. You can also invite people over to do like chores together, like be like, I’m gonna fold all my laundry and we can watch a show and order dinner

and just decompress

 We can just be in each other’s space or like, hey, do you want to go do an errand day? You know, what’s on your list? You want to go to the garden center, or like something like that, where you can kind of just like team up and be doing chores that feel productive, but then also you’re, recharging that battery a little bit with just like some social interaction.

That’s like kids when they parallel play. Yeah, that’s also something I offered to a friend recently. I was, sometimes I go alone to, uh, this bar nearby and I just write. And I, I know my friend has also been feeling maybe a little lonely lately too, so I just said, I’m gonna go, do you want to come? We don’t even have to talk that much, like you write, you draw, whatever you’re doing, and I’ll do it, we can chat here and there.

I didn’t want to put a lot of pressure on interaction, but I also wanted to offer, Hey, we can both go [00:26:00] do this and kind of just be alongside each other.

That’s nice.

And because I think it does, it does, like you said, it does make a difference to have just that presence around,

Cool. So we have a little bit of a list of what our dear queer listeners say they do when they feel lonely., let’s get into it. Take myself out to eat solo. Remind myself it’s okay, but mostly hope it passes quickly.

That’s fair. Yeah. Yeah.

This one’s short and sweet.

Go

Mhmm.

Read and listen to music.

We have re watched my favorite show, make nostalgic food from my childhood, and fill my upcoming social calendar.

Wait,

Wait, what’s your nostalgic home food?

Oh, me?

Oh,

No, Brooklyn.

I don’t

No? What do you, what do you cook? I don’t even, what’s

want to talk about cooking. It’s too boring for me. I’m so tired of cooking. When you have a kid too, you’re just like, what do I have to make?

Yeah.

and then I just rotate around? I have no creativity left. It’s terrible.

All right, I’m sending you with a

the cookbook.

Yes, please.

Okay. So these are, uh, listeners. What they, okay.

These are listeners. Do you have a nostalgic food from your childhood that you make?

Um, I, yeah, actually, well, starting to, we made my mom a cookbook of all her mom’s

Oh nice! And

so I’ve been dipping into those. And there’s these molasses ginger cookies that I’m

I would have

I remember this taste and it like, it feels great.

great. Yeah. That’s amazing. And our last one, uh, is a little bit longer. It says, a big cry to release, it helps to regulate, and then if the feeling persists, I ground myself and see what else is missing.

And then they write a few words,

okay. Alone, lonely, solo, solitude. I would take that etymological approach, but it doesn’t work when in crisis. Meaning they make the connection between the words, like.,[00:28:00] lonely doesn’t have to be lonely, right? It means you’re alone. It means you’re solo. It means you’re having solitude, a moment of solitude, which isn’t a negative thing, right? And so they’re making the connection between like the meanings of the words.

words. Okay, this dear queer listener has done the

work.

Yes, absolutely. Um, but as I said, it doesn’t work when you’re in crisis and you’re truly feeling, you know, , lonely. And so they said, they said then the go to is cozy blanket, call a friend, hug a pet.

Yes, pets, oh, pets, always. That’s, that’s my go to, is um, okay, well maybe this is a depression hack, I’m not sure, but regardless, you know, it’s the same side of a different coin, uh, it’s like, drink a glass of water. And then go for, get outside in nature and then, cause like when I’m walking Brooklyn and like, I’ll try and go to like a place where like the park.

And so you’re, you’re interacting with people and I don’t know, you just feel like you’re in the mix . I remember in the pandemic, I would just walk down like the, the busier streets or things like that. Yeah. Without being amongst.

Yes, totally. Yeah, I love going for a long walk. I think that does it for me. Sometimes I pop a podcast in, listen to something. Sometimes I don’t, sometimes it’s just good to let your own thoughts cycle about. I do cry when I need to, so if I need to cry, I cry.

I might reach out to some friends as well, whether it’s even just a phone call can make a difference. If someone, you can, you know, it doesn’t even have to be a friend in your city. If there’s somebody you haven’t talked to in a while who, um, who lives across the country or something and you just want to have a little catch up, anything, anything connected feels good.

connected good. Nice. So, basically, reach out, take those steps, take the initiative, you got this, and keep your eyes on each other.

also just recognize that it’s natural to feel this way. You don’t have to feel bad about feeling lonely.

 So,

Thanks for listening. If you are feeling lonely lately, or maybe even today, we hope that this episode reminded you that you’re not alone in this very [00:30:00] natural feeling. We also hope that if you’re feeling lonely, you’ll reach out to someone for connection.

Even a phone call can be enough. That’s probably too long, but it’s something.

This has been another episode of Dear Queer. Just a reminder, we are not actually experts. Any advice given should actually come from our experts who we will bring in from time to time.

Music brought to you by Sean Patrick Brennan, produced by myself, Lauren Hogarth, and your host as always, Alena Papayanis I’m cutting that.