Green Flags & Dating

[00:00:00] ones, like when there there could be some very healthy, dating candidates right in front of you waving their green flags and you’re looking past them because you’re so used to looking for the reds and like, or like being drawn towards the red flags.

Alright, this week we are diving into green flags. Those things that we look for in other people that make us say, Yes, let’s go on more dates.

I mean, arguably, are these harder to identify? Do they take longer to identify them?

Yeah, I think it’s, it’s much easier to be like, Ooh, that’s a, a, a ick or, uh, that gives me the yikes.

Yeah,

yeah.

 Why don’t we, do you have your list? I’ve got a list of a few green flags I could

share.

start.

All right. Um, but just because I’m a love Island fan, I’m going to say banter.

to say

to have the chat.

did I not put banter? I mean, I guess I’m trying to move away from my humor era, but I can’t because banter is so important to

me too, I know I have, but I guess I was thinking of more general, like stuff that everyone might also, because not everybody values banter.

You got to have it.

totally agree.

So you’re queer banter, green

banter, planted it.

Green

Uh, talks highly of their friends and their community. I mean, how, how people talk about others is just, it’s such a good nod to, you know, who they are. And I think I always look for that for good insight.

Mm-Hmm,

Yeah. And especially how they talk to strangers.

Yes. Yes.

Uh, I also [00:02:00] wrote, can pick a restaurant?

Oh wait, I feel like I missed a flag that there, someone did say. Something about, from last week, Red Flags, about how they, how people treat wait staff, and like, yeah, yeah,

definitely, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, if

you’re going on a date, there’s nothing worse than the like, Oh, what should we do? You pick, you pick. I hate it. I get so excited if someone could pick a restaurant. Green

yeah, or just like initiate, making some sort of

plan, idea, yeah. Or has an idea for

a date. Green flag.

yeah. Or ideas. Would you rather do this or this? Great, I’ll pick one. Yeah.

Uh,

and then, what was my other one?

You like their friends.

what’s

that? You like their

friends. You like their friends.

Yes, true.

Who you surround yourself with, I think is a great signal for, uh, how you Yeah. How you comport yourself in the world.

Uh, I have consistency.

Um, because that speaks to the whole, like, not only actions matching words, but, like, Yeah, doing what they say, saying what they say they’ll do, like that kind of things matching and it being consistent over time.

Like it’s, so that’s the thing, some of these things I guess do take time to reveal themselves if it’s, yeah.

I had, um, I guess it was a red flag turned into a

Oh, right.

Okay, so green flag likes coffee for me. This is personal, you know, opinion.

Yeah.

And,

uh, when Dev and I first started dating, they had this, like, so we met in the winter, and they had this bag, this big bag of, like, INSERT BIG COMPANY COFFEE

Okay. I’m gonna cut that out.

Yeah. we’re not here for that. No.

Uh, that they had got from like a group camping trip in the summer. And it, uh, it was like just, it was so bad. Uh, and

Insert big box brand coffee.

they were brewing it in this probably, you know, Mr. thrifted from the street.

Oh my God. And [00:04:00] just so you know, Lauren knows their coffee.

So this is where this is coming

Yeah, I’m a bit of a coffee snob.

Uh, I come by it somewhat honestly. , shout out to Smith and Tate and my old coffee shop.

and my

But, after, it wasn’t, they were just being practical. Like, at, you know, we actually met at a coffee shop. And, we’d go, we’d go out. go, would go early dating to lots of coffee places around town and they were so into it and Came to find out that they actually did love

coffee, That’s the thing. Maybe you just don’t know, yeah’s

it’s like, you know I’ve got this coffee.

I’m not gonna waste

it. yeah,

And uh, yeah, so that uh,

Deb just needed a

connoisseur like you Yeah. . Um, another thing about the consistency that I just realized too was just even consistency in like. You hearing from them on a regular basis or there being plans like they’re not disappearing for ages and then reappearing and that kind of consistency as well.

 Communication is another thing which I guess fits with, it can be around being consistent with the communication or just the level of communication like, Okay. You know, we’ve talked about that a lot on this podcast in terms of just being able to say how they’re feeling, if they’re having a difficult time, if they, how they feel about you or things,

Also, otherwise you’re just sitting there in silence.

what’s that?

Otherwise you’re just sitting there in

Yeah. But it’s like this, you know, this attempt to, cause communication is like them meeting you somewhere. Right.

I think so much too of, I mean, it’s how we get to know each other. It’s how, um, but I think, was it last week you said it’s, can you follow up that communication with action? Like there’s so many layers

to

that communication with action? Like, there’s so many layers to it.

somewhere on here that like, having, being able to disagree [00:06:00] with me as being a green flag.

Nice. I love that.

Because that’s the whole people pleaser thing where I’m, I’m looking out for someone who is afraid to disagree with me because they just want to agree and be close and be, um, like, not to say I’m super comfortable with conflict or the space it can create, but I know it’s important and I know you can, um, learn a lot in that space.

and I think it’s easy to fall into the trap of early in dating of, Just because you want to come off in a good light. I get it. And so you often just end up agreeing and it’s like in dating like I want to find out whether or not we’re Like have an opinion and it’s okay to not have the same opinions on everything It’s like I I know I fell into the trap sometimes of just like saying stuff that you’re like trying to think that they’re You’re like doing this like mental math of trying to say the thing that you think they want to hear and it’s like, nope, just be you.

you can’t just like go along to get along because it’s actually never disagreeing is a red flag. Like if you, if you and your partnership never have any disagreements, there’s a good possibility you’re both people pleasers and then things are going on said resentment is building and like you’re getting further and further away from each other actually, you know, potentially because Disagreement is a place where you can find out where you’re misaligned.

And it’s not to say you have to align on everything. There’s like part of attraction, I think in that space is where you are different from the other person. So it’s, you don’t have to be the same.

not, most people, most of us don’t want to date ourselves. And I think the, the, the fun part about finding a partner is finding the things that maybe you lack and your partner can, you know, fill it up and like you can find ways to, to balance out because, you know, we’re all not perfect.

Yeah, and expand both of your [00:08:00] worlds by doing that. Yeah, for sure. Do you have some others on there or a

Um, well, I kind of wanted you to take, take me back to the, to, you know, my app days.

Oh, yeah, let’s do it.

Um, what are the things you swipe yes on?

Oh, interesting.

Also, I, I kind of want to guess one.

Okay, guess one first.

There’s a dog in the

Oh, yeah, there’s a dog. Yeah, for sure. For sure. You’re getting a right on the dog. I mean, a lot of these things we’ve said, like if other people are talking about valuing

vulnerability or communication or consistency, like the things that I also value.

say it. Yeah. What they’re looking for.

I mean, sometimes people literally say it, what they’re looking for.

And I feel like if they’re willing to say that they’re looking for those things is a green flag rather than just like saying barely anything about themselves or keeping it very, just all like surface level or funny.

I think it’s absolutely a great space to, like, get specific with it. If there is something you don’t want or want, put it in there.

I think it’s, if people are only writing surface things, they might only be looking for surface things. But if they can go into depth, it’s a sign that they’re looking for more depth, you know?

well let’s, on that note, let’s get into some listener questions.

Unless, is there some other stuff you want

I mean, some of it’s been built into what we said. They make or find time for you. But like we said, like it’s a balance. We obviously don’t want them to like drop everything all the time. We want them, you know, us to both have our own lives, but we are, we’re in a, we’re all busy, but if it’s, at least I feel like if it’s someone who’s important to me or I want to make time, I will find and make the time.

And I don’t have a lot of time. Time is like a rare resource for me. So I find it hard if someone else is like, I don’t have the time.

can, You can, make the [00:10:00] time, you can find the

time.

offloading that on you and like telling you that and it’s like, okay, well you have time to do this aspect but not the

Yes, because it’s all about priorities. Time is about priorities too, right? Like,

you

know,

you wanted to, or, if you wanted to, you

yeah, I don’t know. That’s a bit, sometimes it’s a little cliche or like there’s some maybe issues with it, but, but overall I, I do agree in the sense that like, because I know that I, Would do it. So I feel like it’s important for me to see that someone else would

also

it’s prioritized.

Even

if it’s a little a little go for coffee for two hours We have in between things but like as long as it’s a deliberate

a deliberate effort, you know

doesn’t have to be perfect, and there’s room for nuance in that. Alright, let’s get into some listener questions. Oh, yeah, I wanted to say like with all these things it’s you’re look we’re looking for The potential like that the green flags

same as

red flags or you know You’re looking for things that might steer you off course with the green flag. You’re just looking for the potential Is there the ability to?

Turn this into a good healthy

Alright,

right

I just started dating a fellow queerdo. I’m so smitten and it’s only been about three months. They are so super tight with their most recent ex. Like come over and watch reality TV. Just the two of them on a weeknight tight. This makes me feel uneasy.

How do I tell them? Am I being too much too soon?

Um hmm.

Red flag, green flag.

I mean,

it’s good that they’re identifying their anxiety around it.

What

about the just, okay, let’s, let’s zoom out. Friends with an

X, red or green flag? Oh,

okay, let’s, let’s zoom out. with [00:12:00] an X, red or green flag. Like heinous crimes against each other to the point where you, where you can’t talk or be in the same room. I think that’s a red flag,

but.

red flag, but. Also, you know, queer community? Yeah. You’re running into your ex, like, for, you know, you don’t have to be buddy buddy watching, you know, over for weeknight TV, but, um, you know, you’re gonna run into your exes.

Yeah. And I think, I mean, I think it’s great that they can be that,

Yeah. That friendly because I mean, they were together for a reason. There was something they saw in each other. They’ve come to the conclusion that it’s just friendship.

Um. so

Think a great thing about dating when you’re queer is, you know, early dates are to see if you have a romantic connection, but sometimes you’re just meeting people who are also, in their own right,

right cool. Yeah, yeah. So I guess that sounds obviously like a conversation they need to have. But I just, I wonder if this person can recognize all of those things at the same time.

Like, yes, it’s possible to be anxious, but it’s also possible to recognize that it’s great that they’re friends. And like, I think it’s a good sign that you can be friends, but it still makes me a little, insecure, anxious. So if they can recognize that doesn’t have to be one or the other, like it’s possible to just recognize it, share that.

 Maybe the partner can just, just in knowing that it was

enough. And they can give some reassurance if they need

it. yeah,

they’re thinking of coming over this night, or maybe, could I join for

Yeah, you join us one time. Yeah, yeah.

you kind of take the, the steam out, or like demystify it a bit, so that you could see what’s actually going

Yeah, absolutely.

Cool., All right, I’ve got another one for you. I love camping, but with summer coming, I

Red flag. Just kidding.

I love camping, but with summer coming up, I just found [00:14:00] out my partner hates sleeping in tents and isn’t stoked to go. They said we’re planning a friendship and they said they will come, but I feel like it would be me forcing them.

Don’t go all the time. If your partner loves camping and you don’t, I mean, either if they really love camping and you really don’t, then that’s probably not a longterm match, but if they like it and you’re like, okay, going every once in a while. Great. Your partner goes more than you do. You join them every once in a while and it’s something you do together or you join them with friends or whatever, but like you don’t have to do everything together all the time.

I mean, yeah, I kind of, I think it’s great when partners have different I don’t know. interest in stuff like that. Like, go off, have fun. Tell me about it. I’ll be over here doing my, uh, weird

Yeah. We’ll be off playing tennis. We’re going to be playing tennis. We’ll see you after tennis.

Yeah. yeah.

Although I love camping and

Yeah, well, there you go. That’s funny.

 Yeah, I think, I think having specific interests is a great flag

yeah, absolutely.

when you should opt out of something. If this person is forthright that, Oh, I don’t, this isn’t something that I’m going to particularly love. You’re probably going to have to focus on me more. Maybe it’s best I set this out.

Go have fun with your friends. That is a green flag for me.

green flag. Yeah, agreed.

 All right. One more. Hi Dear Queer, I went on a date with a woman who came out during the pandemic. She hasn’t had a serious relationship with a woman yet, and I don’t want to be one of those lesbians who is quick to write off folks who don’t have experience.

But I’m in my thirties, and I’m just not sure if this is a red flag. Should I get over myself? The conversations are great, so, so far, and she’s super cute. It seems like we have a lot of shared values. I’ve just been burned before, and I don’t want to get burned again.

again I mean I can understand the hesitance

Uh huh.

Um, but

I don’t think I mean it’s not like this [00:16:00] person’s never been in any relationships before so I know it’s You Less experienced in the queer world,

but

it sounds like they’ve been dating, just

yeah, yeah. Um,

I know one amazing couple who, the first time this woman started dating her first girlfriend, they’re married to have two kids now. And it was just like, boom, that’s

it it just happens like that. And I think, too, if, if these two women are at a similar age, if they’re both kind of in their 30s, um,

And if they’re looking for the same

things,

They both have a lot of experience.

Sure, it doesn’t, you know, you can have experience in relationships and communication and how you show up, uh, and not have

dated other women. Yeah,

exactly.

And they could still be aligned in their values and their timeline for things.

Like if all those things are aligned then, um, then I don’t think it should, it It should be a worry. And the thing is you just don’t want this person to self sabotage themselves and like jump out of the boat too soon when it’s,

yeah.

uh, People being burned by, you know, like people trying things out on

right. And it doesn’t sound Yes,

It’s, this is someone who was burned. probably from the likes of it done a lot of work to come out and and figure that out about themself

Mm-Hmm. and,

yeah.

Yeah. She’s not just dabbling. Yeah.

at least that’s my sense

Yeah. Agreed. Oh, let’s read some, uh, listener green

I do have, I think one here. That wasn’t

Yeah

on the list. Okay. Openness slash seeks out differing perspectives.

Love that

Um, okay. What do you got there?

Curiosity

Ooh, I like that one., Passionate, communicative,

flexible.

like, are we talking yoga? I assuming

it could be both. I’m assuming not, but it could be both.

Not a [00:18:00] Pisces, well, they should not date the person who doesn’t like astrology then.

Yeah, we

We won’t set

them up. No. Um, empathy,

Um, empathy. That’s a huge one. That’s a huge

one. well is like, if you can’t put yourself in someone else’s shoes.

experiences. I find, I, I really struggle with people who can’t do that. Yeah.

They prioritize

their friendships.

That’s a good one too. Especially

in

queer community. Friends can be family, can be Yeah. And, and outside queer, Queerland.

Communication, vulnerability, trust, connection, intention, quality of friendship. So that’s.

Coming back. Yeah. I it. Uh, taking initiative to plan dates. Lots of hobbies and interests.

just like

reading I know, right? And the next one. Likes animals. Animals. Especially dogs, dogs.

Not that we’re biased or

anything. No. They’re fun.

we just alienated such a large part of our audience.

fine. They’re actually very, they’re very sweet. But I just, ever since I had a dog, like, I’ve just never had, I mean I had a cat growing up and we were super connected but like something about the way a dog looks at you, the way your dog looks at you, there’s nothing, there’s nothing like it, you know?

I had, did I ever tell you about, uh, our family cat went to university with

No

way. That’s so funny.

man, that, that poor cat, Oh, all the parties.

I felt so bad for her. Thankfully I live with Nick, who is, Uh, okay,

last one. let’s

finish this out.

Kindness to others, especially folks in service at a coffee shop and

in service

at a [00:20:00] coffee shop and such. episode I was trying to brainstorm and I was like, it’s a miracle. I can think at all because there’s this guy in the coffee shop having a full on zoom meeting with no headset on just talking loud.

I can hear the person on the other side. And then there’s two other people having this loud conversation about taxes. And I was just like, before I got here, were you just having a full on meeting in the, in front of the service workers? And then you were like, Green flag, treat service workers nicely. So when I read that I was like, did Lauren write that?

But you didn’t. Yeah. That’s so funny.

think, oh yeah, that’s a good one. Self awareness in public spaces is so important to me. It’s like, if, I don’t think I could be with someone who’s like, the super loud talker when it’s supposed to be. When like, you just,

It’s a hushed sense. It’s reading

the room.

read the

Yes. Yes. I know what you mean.

It’s like, nothing gets, you’re like, Like, I just feel like there’s a spotlight on me and my skin feels like it’s crawling. And I’m like, can you

just be chill?

it? Me too, and then I get quieter.

Or someone, I’m

going back to red flags now. Somebody who talks in the movies.

Oh, yeah. Hated.

it.

Yeah. We shouldn’t end on a negative

note, though. Oh shoot. That’s Okay. I mean, I.

doesn’t

Doesn’t knock on the movies, reads the room. Um, I think the only other one I had here was emotionally available as the other green flag. I mean, that one’s a, that one’s big.

And, but I guess there’s ways, there’s ways to tell, um, I don’t know. It’s so tricky because it could just be about the circumstance of a person. Like it’s, it’s not to say that they’re never emotionally open, but maybe they’re just out of a breakup like that other person’s said about a red one was one of their red flags.

It could be situational, it could be, could be lots of things. That’s,

That’s the thing with all of these red and green flags, they’re, [00:22:00] they’re just signals of potential and possibility. It’s the communication that comes after and, you know, how people show up over time. Um, they’re just little clues.

Yeah, and I mean it’s important to not discount either of them, to like ignore the red ones or look past the green ones, like when there could be some very healthy, healthy dating candidates right in front of you waving their green flags and you’re looking past them because you’re so used to, so used to looking for the reds and like, or like being drawn towards the red flags.

I love it.

If we missed any green flags today that you think are important, please send us a DM or you can fill out our Google form at dear. queer. podcast.

There’s a link there. If you like this episode, please share it with someone. Maybe there’s someone in your life who is not looking closely enough for either the red or green flags.

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Green flag.

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Have a good week! This has been another episode of Dear Queer. Just a reminder, we are not actually experts. Any advice given should actually come from our experts who we will bring in from time to time.

Music brought to you by Sean Patrick Brennan, produced by myself, Lauren Hogarth, and your host as always, Alena Papayanis I’m cutting that.