Gay and Dating

Alena: [00:00:00] And there’s a cutie, and we sort of made eyes,

Hi. Hi. How’s it

Lauren: Pretty good. We are in the thick of pride month. Um, we wanted to jump on here and I don’t know, summer’s, just summer’s such a fun time for dating’s. Maybe you’ve been hibernating and just living on the apps and not even going out on dates or

Alena: being on the apps and being totally like, hidden

Lauren: to, yeah,

all are fine. [00:01:00] But now it’s like, I don’t know, we, we we’re here, it’s summer. We wanna give a little, a little advice. I hate that you try.

Alena: Um, yeah, we just wanna talk about, I mean, I know we’ve done episodes about dating and things like that before, but I feel like there’s always, you know, new content that kind of comes to mind or , new questions that we come across that I feel like it’s always fun to talk about.

Lauren: heck Yeah. First I’m just gonna

Alena: say this.

Lauren: say this. We’re, we’re going back to my, my dating app days. Okay? Um, if you’re on the apps.

Alena: mm-hmm.

Lauren: Be direct. Okay. Uh,

Alena: as to what you’re looking for

Lauren: to what you’re

Alena: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I

Lauren: think, I think if, you are only looking for hookups mm-hmm.

Alena: Put that up there. Mm-hmm.

Lauren: Put that up there. Mm-hmm. Uh, if you are looking for long term, you can put that up there too.

Alena: too, if you’re non-monogamous. Put that

Lauren: that up there. Yeah. And it’s like, that’s not to say that, you know, the, the, the one if you’re, [00:02:00] you know. Putting out for one night stands that that can’t turn into It’s

Alena: It’s true.

Lauren: Your long-term stand.

Alena: Yeah, it’s true.

Lauren: but I, I think, I think you gotta be direct and, uh, articulate what you want.

Alena: Absolutely. Because otherwise, I mean, you’re kind of wasting someone else’s time if they wouldn’t have even gone on a date with you to begin with, if they aren’t into whatever it is you’re looking for.

Lauren: And that’s not to say people are gonna listen.

Alena: No, that’s true.

Lauren: That’s very true. It’s like you put in that you’re just going for hookups and then you arrive to the date. I don’t know if you had have this, but I remember so many app specific first dates,

Alena: Mm-hmm.

Lauren: like meet cute first dates, but like man, the speed at which the gals were.

The, the gals in the days truly were, , asking you about kids long-term plans,

Alena: Oh, wow.

Lauren: you experience this? And I, I found it so cringe.

Alena: not, so. No. Actually I don’t. I maybe [00:03:00] me, maybe every once in a while. You just look like the long-term type, Lauren. They got you pegged.

Lauren: I am. Yeah.

Alena: So there you go. , Maybe like a, a couple of times. There’s that, and I mean, maybe they didn’t even say those things specifically, but the feeling is of just like coming on really strong.

, But also, I don’t know, I guess ’cause I’m older, I already, I already have a kid. Maybe it’s less likely that I get those questions. Although PE it is important for people to know. I was on a date recently and someone did ask me if I was interested in having like more, more kids or whatever.

, But yeah, that’s true. That was on a first date. So I don’t know. But yeah, I guess overall sometimes there’s just the vibe of, of. Like a lot Too much urgency. Yeah. Yeah.

Lauren: Scarcity mindsets. Yeah. Don’t like ’em. No, no.

Alena: no. I mean we all fall. , Maybe we don’t all fall into them, but sometimes, you know, it’s natural to sometimes kind of fall into them, but that can’t be our long term

Lauren: Yeah. All right. I got a question for you.

Alena: Uh,

Lauren: Uh, [00:04:00] how do you know if you are in a situation ship versus a slow burn?

Alena: This is a really good one.

Lauren: Shall I paint a scene?

Alena: Yeah, for sure.

Lauren: All right. So imagine. In my mind, this is probably someone who’s in your queer friend group , and maybe not in the inner circle, and you are started like hanging out one-on-one.

Okay. And it’s like, , is this going somewhere? Are we just friends? What’s, because like, I, I think with, with queers, there’s. You know what it’s like, there’s always the option.

Alena: It’s true.

And, and some people are really kind of loose with their boundaries and other people are really strict with their boundaries around that.

Yeah. Like I don’t,

Lauren: some people are just flirty friends

Alena: are just flirty. Yeah, absolutely.

Lauren: like, I have friends who it’s like, you go drinking, and I’m like, oh, you’re a flirt. Right.[00:05:00]

Alena: Right. Yeah. I don’t, I personally find that confusing. Yeah. Um, but. I mean, it’s, maybe it’s not as confusing for other people.

Uh, so I don’t know that I’ve ever had a friend be confused about if I like them.

Lauren: I find you to be kind of direct, kind of

Alena: of direct, kind of direct. Like, And other people have stricter ones. I feel like mine are pretty strict. Like I don’t think I’ve ever given friends the wrong impression.

If anything, like if I feel like someone is, is interested in me and I’m not, i’ll. Kind of send messages to signal that, or even just use language that’s like, I think we’ve mentioned this before, like you clarify like, friends, I’d love, you know, like literally using Yeah.

Dropping the, yeah. Yeah. To make it clear. Because I don’t know, I just think there’s nothing, there’s nothing worse than like misleading. People,

Lauren: I think too, if you’re finding that you’re only hanging out with this person one-on-one, [00:06:00] um. It might be a situationship.

Like if you can’t drop, if they, if they’re not dropping into like your other like social plans or like things like

Alena: I think a thing for me is that if I leave confused Yeah. If I feel confused after, yeah. If I don’t feel better after hanging out, if I feel weird, if something feels like.

Yeah.

Lauren: You’re like, or you’re questioning exactly yourself.

Alena: when I know,

Lauren: is it just me? Or if you have that sentence,

Yes.

Alena: I think that’s a clear sign that it’s situation should be, because it’s confusing. There’s mixed signals. It’s not clear versus I, I don’t know if we all have the same idea of what a slow burn is.

I actually love the idea of a slow burn.

Lauren: Yeah. I think that’s great. You get to know someone without all of these. Um, assumptions or like hopes that it’s going somewhere. It just like gets to develop naturally. Yeah.

Alena: But I mean, maybe sometimes people [00:07:00] pursue friendships as slow burns versus like being clear about like, Hey, I’m interested in you romantically, but I wanna take it slow.

Lauren: Yeah.

Alena: You know what I mean? Because it

feels, they, they feel different to me.

Lauren: Right. So there’s direction.

Alena: Yeah. Yeah. There’s direction and there’s intention and clarity.

Lauren: Yeah, I guess too, it’s like it could, intention, I think is, is, is the important piece. It’s like, okay, like yeah, we are seeing if this is heading in that direction and it’s like, uh, intention on both sides, right? Yeah.

Alena: Yeah. Um,

Lauren: I like that. Okay.

Alena: I don’t mean, I don’t know. I’m no, I’m, no, I’m no expert. But, um, I’ve definitely been in confusing situations where yeah, you kind of question what it is or see kind of contradictions and mixed messages and. That’s when you have to, you have to listen to that confusion and be like, oh, these are like yellow and red [00:08:00] flags for me.

This is not a place of clarity. This is not like, and either have a conversation or take some space or whatever you need to do. Well,

Lauren: or you know, you know what, um, you know what you could do, invite it. If you’re, if you’re not sure if it’s a situation ship versus a slow burn, , you invite your, we’ll call ’em situation.

Ship

over. Yeah. And you watch, , a reality dating show, right? And you like get to like critique it and like for sure there’s gonna be some messy example. And then you see how they. Respond to it.

Alena: Totally. Absolutely. I thought you were gonna say invite them to one of the many weddings you have this summer.

Lauren: You know what, that’s an option , for my friends.

Alena: how they feel.

Lauren: That’s an option for

Alena: Yes. See what they

Lauren: oh my gosh. Can you imagine? I, I hope there’s a meet cute at our wedding. Oh,

Alena: Oh. I mean, I’d almost be surprised if there isn’t.

Lauren: Oh, I mean, we already know there’s gonna be exes in the room. Uh, so maybe there’s some future exes. Yeah, some future not

Alena: True. ’cause you’re bringing people together from different, different cities and stuff.

Lauren: Okay, so it’s summer. How, how, how are we gonna help [00:09:00] folks have just the queerest most fun summer? I

Alena: So there’s nothing less satisfying than living online. So if you can go out, go to like Picnic hangs, queer groups, festivals, like whatever you can find.

Just be out in the world, um, to whatever capacity you can. I feel like that always feels better than trying to meet people online, although, or maybe you start online but then like don’t live online and kind of try to move pretty quickly to meeting people in real

Lauren: I love that.

Alena: Yeah. Or whatever. I mean, honestly, I feel like more people need to take the initiative too into start groups.

Yeah. And just like. Bring people together from different communities as well, or like different friend groups. If more people did that, it would just be

Lauren: And just be like, and just going to like queer events, see queer artists going like just. Get, get out there. Also. Get a haircut. Get

Alena: Yeah. Get a [00:10:00] haircut. Yeah. A queer haircut.

Okay.

Lauren: Flagging.

Okay.

Alena: we’re your carabiners and, yeah. Okay. Yeah. Gotcha. Okay.

Lauren: Too hot. Too hot a take.

Alena: it’s so funny. Get a haircut.

Lauren: Don’t care if you’re a fab. Get a haircut. Yeah. I’m not saying you gotta go short, but

Alena: just make yourself feel good. Just make yourself feel good. That’s okay. We’ll get you out of it.

Okay. What are some other tips that, did you have any in mind?

Lauren: Dog parks.

Alena: Oh my God. Yeah. Dog parks outside of coffee shops.

Lauren: That’s where the queers are.

Alena: Yeah. Honestly,

And don’t be shy to talk if you do see someone. That’s cute because I had a, I had a missed connection last year when I was at, um, outside of hail coffee, Uhhuh.

And there’s a cutie, and we sort of made eyes, but then I, I literally sort of, I had the voice in my head to tell them to like, come sit down, hang out for [00:11:00] a second. Like, or like, do you have to leave with your coffee already? You know, and they hopped in their car and, but sort of took their time. And I did see them kind of pause and then they drove off and I haven’t seen them since.

But I, so I wish, like, take the opportunity when you see someone, because it is a big city. Um. People do somehow exist without you seeing them and knowing that they exist. So if you do see someone when you’re out, don’t be shy to say a little something.

Lauren: That is so true. ’cause also, do you know Coleman Domingo actor

maybe?

Um, well, he met his husband outside of a Walgreens parking lot. No. Yeah. And they were like kind of eyes and like, uh, I don’t remember exactly how the story goes, but literally that’s how they met. Yeah. And they’ve been together for like a decade or more.

Yeah. So shoot your shot.

Alena: the person. Shoot your shot.

Lauren: I love it. Yeah.

Alena: Okay. Sweet. Okay, well we hope you have a wonderful, um, rest of pride [00:12:00] season and we hope you have some wonderful meet cutes and that you find a lot of fun community.

Lauren: This has been another episode of Dear Queer. Just a reminder, we are not actually experts. Any advice given should actually come from our experts who we will bring in from time to time.

Music brought to you by Sean Patrick Brennan, produced by myself, Lauren Hogarth, and your host as always, Alena Papayanis I’m cutting that.